Oh, Israel!

O tempura! O moreys! Oh, hell!

By Bryan Zepp Jamieson

9/10/01

The first time a conservative on Usenet accused a liberal of "wanting to see the Israelis pushed into the sea" I assumed that it was the usual "liberals are Nazis" nonsense that the trash right likes to spout off with at every available opportunity. A few years ago, the same people were accusing liberals of being dominated by the world-wide Zionist conspiracy, which was inexplicably in cahoots with the anti-Semitic and pro-Arab Soviet Union.

One of the great things about being a right winger is that it doesn’t have to make any sense.

But then I saw this same accusation a few more times, and most recently, when I reposted a news story about the UN conference on racism and the ill-fated attempts to, once again, equate Zionism with racism, I got accused of wanting to destroy Israel, even though I had expressed no preference for either side in that particular debate.

It turns out that this is the latest meme circulating among the sorts of morons who depend on Rush and Faux for their information. Conservatives are staunchly pro-Israel (this time around) and therefore, liberals must hate Israel. Therefore, when in conversation with a liberal, whenever the topic of Israel comes up, the properly trained conservative should accuse said liberal of wanting to destroy Israel.

Oh, what’s a liberal to do?

I thought about e-mailing liberals Barbra Streisand, Alan Dershowitz, and Noam Chomski, and asking them why they wanted to destroy Israel, but decided they probably get enough mail as it is and don’t really need me weighing in with a deep and profound love of truth.

So, having not picked sides myself, I looked to see what some of my other fellow liberals were doing. As any right winger can tell you, we liberals have a severe herd mentality, and are incapable of independent thought. Therefore, I had better call Liberal Central in Beijing and find out what’s expected of me.

I forgot! I don’t speak Chinese! And it was 3 am in Beijing. I didn’t understand a word, but whoever it was wasn’t happy with me. I called collect, of course, since like all liberals, I’m on welfare and spend my checks on drugs, colored women, and liberal causes, like donating $100,000 to the Clinton library. That last one alone took up nearly half my welfare check last month.

I thought about my local buddy, the doctor. He’s indisputably liberal. Promotes immorality, bathes in the blood of virgins, all that. But he is also what the boys in the Christianity Trade call "Messianically Challenged", which is to say he’s one of them. "Them", of course, is what Rush Limbaugh really means when he says "liberals". My friend doesn’t look like Mel Brooks. He must be undercover.

Oddly enough, he didn’t think Israel should be pushed into the sea. In fact, he had some rather scathing things to say about people who blow up restaurants and use terror as a political tool. He must be overdue for a refresher course at the Indoctrination Center, or perhaps he was confused and mistook those brave Palestinian freedom fighters for American troops.

Well, my friend seemed to have a detestation for terrorist attacks, and since that would be mostly the Palestinians, we’ll put him down as having chosen sides. Since he is a liberal, and we are examining the role of liberalism with the same unblinking honesty that Fox News would employ, we’ll say that since he chose sides and is a liberal, that means he chose sides with the Palestinians, and wants to push the Israelis into the sea.

I felt mildly depressed. I didn’t want to push anyone into the sea, personally. Besides, I’m of British stock, and remember well that my people pushed the Jews into the sea back in the 13th century. That always comes up at white wine and brie gatherings, and it always causes an awkward pause in the conversation while everyone turns their back on me. I didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of my ancestors.

I checked with every liberal I know. That didn’t take long since, despite the iron grip we have on all media and the fact that we are in every classroom in the land, there are only fourteen of us left in the United States. And Barbara Streisand, Mel Brooks, Alan Dershowitz and Martin Sheen have all stopped returning my calls. (Martin Sheen is the secret underground liberal President of the United States. But don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret).

I was amazed. They all wanted to push something into the sea. One suggested pushing Rush Limbaugh into the sea. Another suggested pushing Rupert Murdoch into the sea. Another suggested pushing the Exxon Valdez into the sea, a statement that left me thinking he hadn’t done his reading assignments.

Another suggested pushing the people who write those annoying ATT Carrottop ads into the sea. OK, so maybe I do want to push something into the sea.

So let’s just run this baby through the Fox News Poll filtering system here, and see what we get.

Well, damnation! The poll says that if a liberal wants to push anything into the sea, being a liberal, that means that they want to push Israel into the sea!

So it turned out that even though none of them actually said they wanted to push Israel into the sea, the Institution of Scientifical Logic at Fox says that what this really means is that they really do want to push Israel into the sea.

Well, I can’t argue with something as fair and balanced as that. For the first time in my career as a liberal commentator, I will have to admit defeat and say that....

Excuse me. The phone’s ringing.

"Yes. This is he...

"Which community are you? The liberal community? No, just most of the liberal community? Well. This is an honor. I don’t get many calls from most of the liberal community. Mind if I put it on speaker so my readers can share? Good. OK, here we go..."

"Zepp, we want you to address this issue on our behalf. You will be speaking for a majority of the liberal community. It’s a great responsibility, and you have to be absolutely certain you get it right. Are you willing to take on this responsibility?"

Shrug. "Yah. Sure. I guess".

"OK. Tell the world that most liberals see a lot of things wrong being done by both sides, and that the slaughter of innocents produces no heroes, only victims. Tell them that we don’t favor Palestinian over Israeli, or Israeli over Palestinian, but that we just want the bombings and shootings and bloodshed to stop. We’re sorry we don’t have a strong President who is willing to take risks and step in and help you to settle your grievances, but that we won’t be able to fix that for another three years, so the Palestinians and Israelis must sit down and solve the problem themselves.

"Tell them that if they are so goddammed certain that being good soldiers and martyrs and fighters would solve the problem, how come it hasn’t solved the problems there in 2,000 years? We can’t make them stop slaughtering each other. But we can make them think about what they’re doing, and hope their essential humanity reasserts itself."

"OK. I’ll do that. What about the stuff the right wingers are saying about us wanting to destroy Israel?"

"Tell the right wingers to go to hell. Allies like those Israel doesn’t need."

"OK. A-L-L-E-Y-S?"

"A-L-L-I-E-S. And use your spell checker."

"Got it."

"Oh, and Zepp?"

"Yah?"

"Could you pick up a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs on the way home? Thanks."