The Dominion of Artie

Sovereignty in America

by Bryan Zepp Jamieson

03/23/04

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/artieiii.htm

I peered through the blowing and drifting snow as far as I could see through the murk, which was about a half a block. Despite the fact that it was a fine spring day, I was feeling mildly depressed. A power line had fallen and electrocuted my paper boy, and I had just gotten him trained to throw the paper into the back seat of the police chief’s car. Nobody would steal it from there. The chief got the comics page. That was his vig.

And on the way to work, I had had a Tourist Encounter of the Third Kind. Some kid, obviously from Somewhere Else, dressed and looking like Scott as he beat a retreat from the taken South Pole, had asked if we got many polar bears in town. Stupid kid. Everyone knows the bears are out on the ice this time of year.

So when I heard the knock at my door, I pursed my lips, a little-girl pout, gazed at the floor, and considered not answering. The share of the gold I found in Artie’s beat-up old Pacer had meant that I was able to keep the heat on all winter, both in the office and in my trailer down at Uncle Ernie’s Holiday Camp, and the early morning panicked hysterics over lack of business had subsided to week-long bouts of obsessively playing Solitaire (yes, deck of 51; it was a gift from my mother, OK?). So I didn’t NEED to answer the door.

So I answered it. It was that or spend another three weeks watching it snow.

At first glance, it looked like someone had dumped all the clothing left over from the Humane Society’s rummage sale on my front step. The pile of clothing blinked at me, and in Artie’s voice, said, "Zepp, we’ve been through this before. It’s customary to invite your guests inside once you’ve answered the door."

Heck, I knew that. It was just that it had been a while, and I didn’t recognize him right off the bat. I decided to make up for my hesitation. "Entre, mon petit pacquet de linge sale!"

Artie muttered something in what sounded like Russian, and the tone conveyed the impression that people who made petty insults in French were not to be treated with the warmest of accords.

I retreated behind my desk and watched, amused, as Artie proceeded to peel layer after layer of clothing. It reminded me of one of those gag gifts where you get a birthday gift in a big box, and you peel off the top, and there’s a slightly smaller box inside, and a slightly smaller box inside THAT, and on and on until you’ve worked your way down through 20 or 30 boxes to one tiny little box, which has a watch or a coin or some such inside.

Minus 90% of the volume he walked in with, Artie the Pearl turned out to be about 5'2", 70 pounds, with long flowing gold hair and a Jehovah-style beard. He would probably draw second glances in the city, any city, but by Mount Shasta standards, he was pretty conventional. At least, when he wasn’t hauling a 40 pound dead salmon around as a religious icon, or driving a car that looked vaguely like an Ed Wood flying saucer.

Except he didn’t look like the Artie I was familiar with. I reached out and flipped on the lights. Artie pulled his head back, squinting slightly.

"Sorry. I should have warned you. Artie, what happened to your skin?"

Artie glanced down at his pipe-stem arms, surprised. They were much darker then normal. Had someone been beating on him?

"That? That’s a suntan, Zepp. You need to get off the mountain more often, I think."

"Oh." Right. I got a suntan once, when I climbed the mountain to 11,000 feet and then fell asleep for most of the afternoon. My skin all peeled off and I itched for about a year afterward. "Well, I’m sorry, Artie. Are they giving you anything for it? Do you need painkillers?"

Artie gave me a perplexed look. "It’s just a sun tan. I spent a week in Palm Springs after I got back from Nepal. I wanted to get warm. Do you know, I think Nepal is actually colder than here?"

I looked at Artie with noncommittal surprise. Anything was possible, I supposed.

"I don’t think that travel agent knew Nepal as well as he thought. He said January through March was the best time to visit, that the weather was beautiful. But it was like here, only colder and with less snow."

I nodded sagely and guessed that the agent had then charged Artie the height-of-tourist-season rates. Not that that would hurt Arnie any, of course. He had money. Assuming he hadn’t given it away to the Plieiadian Defense Fund or some such. Artie was a Mount Shasta old timer, which meant that there wasn’t much weather on this earth that could faze him. Palm Springs was an obvious indulgence.

As if reading my thoughts, Artie continued, "I decided to visit Palm Springs and warm up for a bit before coming home. Do you know they have big basins of dihydrogen oxide out in the open in a liquid state?"

"I’ve got a TV, Arnie. I know what a swimming pool is." I reflected that Arnie was probably getting on. He was elderly when I met him lo those many years ago, and had once mentioned that he voted for President Johnson. He just couldn’t remember which President Johnson it was.

"I spent the whole week underwater!" Artie beamed.

I reflected that with Artie, it was entirely possible that he did. I pointed at the clerical collar around his neck. "Is that where you got the dog collar?"

"The dog...oh. Zepp, you know that’s an insulting term for all priests."

"Saint-Exupery," I waited. I had tossed the quote at Artie before, and he had a good memory.

He nodded. "‘Humankind will not be free until the last king is strangled in the intestines of the last priest.’ Is that the one?"

"Close enough," I agreed.

"I might agree in the case of most priests and many politicians. However, your displays of ersatz libertarianism do not become you. I’ve heard you appeal to authority in debate before."

"I’m not anti-authority. I’m just a bit skeptical of it, is all."

"You are ambivalent, you mean."

"Perhaps. So why the collar?"

"Jehovah’s Day has come to this benighted land."

Well, Jehovah’s Days did that. Especially in Mount Shasta, where it went under a variety of names at a variety of times, ranging from Harmonic Convergence to that old favorite, the Rapture, and included a wide range of gods, aliens, or both, all of whom had decided that everything in the entire universe was going to be decided on the peak of, or inside Mount Shasta. What was inside Mount Shasta might well decide MY fate some day, it being a volcano and all, but there was absolutely nothing Mount Shasta would do that could affect Venus, let alone Andromeda.

It seemed like a good time to change the subject. Discussing theology with Artie often led into some odd realms – he was of the opinion that when Jesus spoke of being the son of God, he meant EVERYONE, and not just him. While definitely more interesting and more logical than the gospel according to Mel Gibson, it was also not what I was taught in Sunday School, and thus was unfamiliar territory. Artie, for his part, was often distressed by my agnosticism and what he doubtlessly saw as my cynicism.

Satan made me look straight at Artie and ask, "How is that?" There is no other explanation. Satan doesn’t exist, but he put in an appearance special, just so I would ask that.

Artie gave me a rapturous look. "God has come to reclaim what is most rightfully His: the sovereignty of the United States!"

Damn. There wasn’t a thing about that in the paper this morning. Musta happened after deadline. Oh, right. Paperboy dead. No paper.

"Has he, then?" I asked.

Arnie glanced at his pile of clothing, looked pensive for a moment, and selected a pocket in a plaid vest and pulled out a sheet of papers. I wish I knew how he did that. I can’t find post-it notes on an otherwise unused desk. "Even as we speak, Congress is considering a God-given bill, ‘The Constitution Restoration Act of 2004'."

"Well, it was bound to decay, being organic ink on parchment. But don’t they keep it in a case filled with nitrogen or some such?"

"It is a bill that affirms that no court may prevent any elected official or any person in a position of public trust from basing his actions upon recognition of the supremacy of God Almighty."

"Come again?"

Artie proffered the piece of paper. "Read" he commanded.

I skimmed down through the "this bill is a bill and the House is the House" language and list of sponsors (mostly right wing whack jobs) and looked at the meat: `Sec. 1260. Matters not reviewable: `Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an element of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official personal capacity), by reason of that element's or officer's acknowledgement of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.'.

There was more, of course. Politicians love to babble happily for hours on paper and never say anything, or keep the meaning of what they mean well hidden. But in a nutshell, the bill would remove sovereignty from the people and give it to God. Any law based on the will of God would not be subject to review by the federal courts. And no politician could be held accountable for any action he took as long as he had a quote from any holy scripture of any kind to justify said actions.

The list of actions the Bible could be used to justify included slavery, stoning, multiple wives and concubines, and mass murder of non-believers.

It didn’t sound like a particularly well-thought-out bill.

In fact, it sounded like a good way to turn America into a Christian version of Iran.

Any court would strike it down as unconstitutional in minutes. But the bill specifically stated the courts did not have the right to adjudicate the constitutionality of the bill, which meant a showdown between the branches of government over whether there should be separation of church and state.

"You support this bill, Artie?" I couldn’t believe it. Artie’s politics, like most things Artie, often took some strange detours going from point a to point b, but he was staunchly for the constitution, for the bill of rights.

"It is the perfect blending of Jehovah and America. It is the realization of the ending of separation consciousness and the beginning of unity consciousness that will lead us to the next dimension."

I suddenly realized that of course it would make perfect sense to Artie. To him, giving sovereignty to God was exactly the same as giving sovereignty to the people, because God was all people, and all people were God. Rather than seeing it as a massive change in the character of America, he saw it as a mere cleaning up of the nomenclature. "Erm. And you envisioned this evolution of consciousness being facilitated by the same people who brought you the Patriot Act?"

"Once Jehovah and Yeshua have assumed their rightful positions, they, not the politicians, will be the facilitators of our ascension."

Artie was definitely on one of those detours I mentioned earlier.

I looked at the copy of the bill again. It was truly a ghastly bill, all right. Doubtlessly the work of the Dominionists, that crowd of whacked-out bible bangers who absolutely hated the idea of a free and secular society. I was glad Artie showed it to me, I mused. It wasn’t likely to pass, but why take chances. First thing to do would be to send a copy to Paulie Five Fingers. Like most devout Catholic men, he had a deep mistrust of church and state intermingled, and knew each brought out the worst . . Ah.

I had it. I knew what to say to Artie.

One time, I asked Artie if he had been raised as a Catholic. What had happened then was he had come across a book by some guy, a Doctor Jones, who detailed the atrocities committed by Pope Innocent III against the Celts and the French back in some single-digit century. Artie had raved for weeks about how evil and corrupt the Catholic Church was, and how it had been a dark force and black stain on humanity for 2000 years.

But I never heard him say a single thing against Catholic believers. I never heard him use perjorative terms from my own misspent youth, terms like "bead jigglers" and "mackerel snappers" and I doubt he ever referred to the lump of fatty tissue on a turkey’s ass as "the Pope’s nose." He didn’t seem perturbed that I was once an Anglican, and since Vatican II, you couldn’t tell one church from the other without lifting the tail and looking.

Former Catholics often have a deep antipathy toward church authority, while viewing those remaining faithful as being inmates who had yet to successfully escape from vowschwitz. Which is why I thought he might have been raised Catholic.

I had always wondered what the hell the church DID to people to cause such antipathy, but then all the stories about priests molesting kids broke, and I saw part of the problem. The church was the ultimate authority, infallible and unquestionable. But even if the local parish priests were all regular Spencer Tracys, humble, kind, honest and loving, there’s no place where gossip spreads faster than in a church, and especially among the kids. The kids had to hear stories about pedophile priests. I could see where a kid getting his confirmation stuff done might develop some mixed impressions if, while training, he’s wondering if the only guy standing between him and eternal damnation is sizing him up for a couple of quick rounds of hide the salami.

Artie was never a Catholic, it turned out. He found his own doubtlessly circuitous route to developing the mindset of a lapsed Catholic.

"Artie," I asked, "Do you doubt for an instant that religious leaders will be quick to exploit this?"

"God will provide."

I was worried most about the people who liked to say that.

"Artie, what is the largest single church in America?"

He considered for a moment, and his face clouded. "The Roman Catholic Church."

"That’s right. And Artie, if this bill becomes law..." I tapped the paper meaningfully. How that differs from tapping the paper in a non-meaningful manner escapes me, but that’s another story.

"Perhaps we could convince someone to add a rider forbidding priests from running for office."

"That seems a bit contradictory, Artie." That never stopped some religious people, I thought.

Artie parked his eyes on a spot of floor about eight feet away and rocked gently, considering. I kept quiet. I didn’t quite have the dishonesty to start raving about how the Vatican was just waiting to seize control of America. I didn’t believe it, and wasn’t about to play the bigotry card. Besides, it wasn’t the Catholic Church that scared me. The people behind this bill usually didn’t consider Catholics to be "real Christians" and if a monstrosity like that ever became law, I would probably find myself allied with Catholics in a counterrevolution.

At last Artie sighed, lifted his eyes and smiled at me. "Well, I imagine Jehovah can work his will toward planetary ascension without the help of the United States Congress. You’re going to fight that bill, aren’t you?"

I nodded. He nodded back, and I quit worrying about him. If God wanted to rule the world, that was fine with Artie, just so long as it didn’t give the Vatican an in.

He smiled.

"Zepp, would you like to hear about the Stonehenges I found in Nepal?"

PS: Yes, there really is such a bill, being pushed in both the House and Senate by Dominionists. Here are the particulars. Write your Congressman.

H. R. 3799

To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

February 11, 2004

Mr. ADERHOLT (for himself and Mr. PENCE) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary

A BILL

To limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts in certain cases and promote federalism.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the `Constitution Restoration Act of 2004'.

TITLE I--JURISDICTION

SEC. 101. APPELLATE JURISDICTION.

(a) IN GENERAL-

(1) AMENDMENT TO TITLE 28- Chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`Sec. 1260. Matters not reviewable

`Notwithstanding any other provision of this chapter, the Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction to review, by appeal, writ of certiorari, or otherwise, any matter to the extent that relief is sought against an element of Federal, State, or local government, or against an officer of Federal, State, or local government (whether or not acting in official personal capacity), by reason of that element's or officer's acknowledgement of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government.'.

(2) TABLE OF SECTIONS- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 81 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1260. Matters not reviewable.'.

(b) APPLICABILITY- Section 1260 of title 28, United States Code, as added by subsection (a), shall not apply to an action pending on the date of enactment of this Act, except to the extent that a party or claim is sought to be included in that action after the date of enactment of this Act.

SEC. 102. LIMITATIONS ON JURISDICTION.

(a) IN GENERAL-

(1) AMENDMENT TO TITLE 28- Chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end of the following:

`Sec. 1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review

`Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the district court shall not have jurisdiction of a matter if the Supreme Court does not have jurisdiction to review that matter by reason of section 1260 of this title.'.

(2) TABLE OF SECTIONS- The table of sections at the beginning of chapter 85 of title 28, United States Code, is amended by adding at the end the following:

`1370. Matters that the Supreme Court lacks jurisdiction to review.'.

(b) APPLICABILITY- Section 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by subsection (a), shall not apply to an action pending on the date of enactment of this Act, except to the extent that a party or claim is sought to be included in that action after the date of enactment of this Act.

TITLE II--INTERPRETATION

SEC. 201. INTERPRETATION OF THE CONSTITUTION.

In interpreting and applying the Constitution of the United States, a court of the United States may not rely upon any constitution, law, administrative rule, Executive order, directive, policy, judicial decision, or any other action of any foreign state or international organization or agency, other than the constitutional law and English common law.

TITLE III--ENFORCEMENT

SEC. 301. EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL CASES NOT BINDING ON STATES.

Any decision of a Federal court which has been made prior to or after the effective date of this Act, to the extent that the decision relates to an issue removed from Federal jurisdiction under section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, is not binding precedent on any State court.

SEC. 302. IMPEACHMENT, CONVICTION, AND REMOVAL OF JUDGES FOR CERTAIN EXTRAJURISDICTIONAL ACTIVITIES.

To the extent that a justice of the Supreme Court of the United States or any judge of any Federal court engages in any activity that exceeds the jurisdiction of the court of that justice or judge, as the case may be, by reason of section 1260 or 1370 of title 28, United States Code, as added by this Act, engaging in that activity shall be deemed to constitute the commission of--

(1) an offense for which the judge may be removed upon impeachment and conviction; and

(2) a breach of the standard of good behavior required by article III, section 1 of the Constitution.

END