Cankersaurs

The best of all possible worlds

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson
11/18/05
http://www.mytown.ca/zepp

Some of you may have heard of the bold, innovative, and far-seeing experiment conducted by the Government of Florida in a noble effort to alleviate and even end the devastation wrought on Florida’s citrus crop by the evil men know as citrus canker.

Under the auspices of Katherine Harris, the state spent some $25,000 on “Celestial Drops,” the purest, wettest, most hydrologic water on earth. Celestial Drops can cure a huge variety of ailments, ranging from cancer to tooth decay, so it stands to reason that it can eliminate the widespread canker, and thus augment Florida’s biggest cash crop by billions of dollars.

The water, which is blessed under qabbala rigor by a rabbi, improves the fractal design of the water, giving it infinite orders of magnitude and resulting in a product that is high in moisture and low in calories. It is perfect – as any HONEST scientist would tell you – for curing fruit of the canker disease.

Ms. Harris, whose brilliance and refinement is evident from her photographs, realized that it was idiotic to pretend that something as small as a bacteria could ruin something as big as a grapefruit. This whole nonsense about little worm-like things so small you can’t even see them being the cause of illness and decay belongs in the same category as “humours” and evolution.

The nay-sayers and bean counters scoffed that their “tests” showed no discernable change in the rate of citrus canker between treated and untreated fruit, but then, what would you expect them to say? They’re in the clutches of the scientific establishment, of course.

And if the results weren’t 100% perfect, that just suggests that a few refinements are in order. Maybe Katherine Harris shouldn’t be eating pork rinds while sprinkling the stuff on the fruit. Or maybe next time they could find a rabbi who is actually Jewish. Like all major scientific discoveries, this one requires a little tinkering, is all.

America is incredibly lucky, at this critical juncture, to have a man of faith as president, a man who rejects the false and empty promises of atheistic Darwinist ideology, and is willing to work in oneness with the universe and its Grand Designer. As a result, we are seeing bold and promising new avenues of scientific inquiry erupting in all areas of the federal government.

For example, there is the recent study put out by the department of Agriculture, which has determined that in order to spare crops the damage caused by hail, early frosts, and tornados, farmers are advised to put a plate of cookies and a glass of cold milk out on their porches just before retiring for the night. Farmers, a rather reactionary lot, have been slow to embrace this, and while the complaints about raccoons and other nocturnal varmints have some merit, it is believed that farmers are taking the inexplicable view that it is better to risk several million dollars in crops then it is to lay out a dollar’s worth of milk and cookies. It is hoped that the results of a promising trial program in Iowa, which resulted in that state being spared the effects of every single hurricane we experienced in this record-shattering season, will cause the farmers to reconsider.

The Department of Energy has announced that it has acquired a small white tablet that, when mixed with regular tap water, creates two hundred gallons of a fluid far more powerful than gasoline, which can enable a stock late model automobile to get triple and sometimes even quadruple the mileage it had previously. Further, this new fluid does not produce carbon dioxide or carbon monoxide, and if applied to the skin, greatly reduces the chance of skin cancer. Unfortunately, availability is limited for now, since the DoE lawyers are insisting that every living person in America signs a thing called a waiver of indemnity, the usual bureaucratic lawyer nonsense. Once that’s done, the tablets will be widely available and at a low, low price, for everyone. Gas crises and wars in the middle east will be a thing of the past, along with air pollution!

The Department of the Treasury today declared the national debt will soon be retired permanently. Due to an incredible stroke of luck, Treasury agents scanning the President’s email discovered hundreds of bankers in various parts of Africa, all in a similar predicament. Vast sums of their countries’ funds were locked up by perfidious bankers. Getting the funds out would be child’s play, but unfortunately, some capital would be required. The gentlemen who approached our ever-sympathetic president vowed that for each dollar the President sent them, they would, once the treasures were recovered, send ten back. It was determined that an outlay equal to three years’ funding of the social security program would be all that would be needed to retire the national debt, and even as you read this, the funds are on their way to Africa! How will YOU spend your fortune?

The National Weather Service has posted weather warnings for San Francisco, Florida, and Dover, Pennsylvania, advising them that they better watch their asses.

Republicans in Congress announced they were introducing legislation to eliminate the so-called “419" section of the penal code, dealing with so called “frauds and scams.” Republican argue that the laws are outmoded, inefficient, and an unnecessary burden on the taxpayer to enforce.

Finally, the newly-formed Department of Interfaith Affairs has announced a crash course in finding a virgin. They need one to feed to the volcano, you see. Somewhere in the red states, there is a nine year old girl who can outrun her father. Once they have acquired a virgin, they will sacrifice her with prayers and ritual. There has been an alarming increase in superstition in America, the department says, and they declare that through this ultimate act of propitiation, the scourge of superstition can be erased from America.

Incidentally, for those who haven’t ordered one yet, I have a fresh new supply of European Laundry Wash Balls (TM). With these little wonders, you can cut your detergent use to one tenth of what it was, and your clothes will last, on average, five times longer.

Only $45 American. Send your money to me, cash and in small unmarked bills for ease of handling and faster shipping, please.

Thank you, bless Katherine Harris, and goodnight.

[Credit: unnaturally turgid prose designed by the writers for the mission voiceovers at NASA. Now that they have quit wasting money on space and instead are engaged in valuable bible verification research, they have time to help creative artists like myself.]





The strange case of supernatural water
Florida tested ‘Celestial Drops’ to see if they warded off citrus canker

Florida's citrus crop contributes billions of dollars to the state's
economy, so when that industry is threatened, anything that might help
is considered. Back in 2001, when citrus canker was blighting the crop
and threatening to reduce that vital source of revenue, an interesting —
if not quite scientific — alternative was considered.

Katherine Harris, then Florida's secretary of state — and now a member
of the U.S. House of Representatives — ordered a study in which,
according to an article by Jim Stratton in the Orlando Sentinel,
"researchers worked with a rabbi and a cardiologist to test ‘Celestial
Drops,' promoted as a canker inhibitor because of its ‘improved fractal
design,' ‘infinite levels of order,' and ‘high energy and low entropy.'"

The study determined that the product tested was, basically, water that
had apparently been blessed according to the principles of Kabbalic
mysticism, "chang[ing] its molecular structure and imbu[ing] it with
supernatural healing powers."

Citrus canker is a bacterial disease that affects all citrus trees.
Caused by a bacterium, Xanthomonas axonopodis, citrus canker can be
spread from tree to tree by windborne rain, the movements of birds and
other animals, and human activity, such as improper disposal of infected
trees and fruit. The bacterium causes brown, crusted lesions with yellow
haloes to appear on the surfaces of leaves and the skin of fruit,
reducing the leaves' photosynthetic capacity and stunting the growth and
preventing the maturation of the fruit.

The only accepted means of fighting the blight is the downing of
affected trees and proper disposal of their remains.

The Florida state government is frequently bombarded with new supposed
cures and preventatives. Most of them are not tested by the state with
government funds. But in this one case, at least, it appears that an
exception was made: Six months were spent establishing testing protocols
and, finally, testing Celestial Drops. In a letter to the state
government, Wayne Dixon, the head of Florida's Bureau of Entomology,
Nematology and Plant Pathology, reported that the "product is a hoax and
not based on any credible known science." He added, "I wish to maintain
our standing in the scientific community and not allow [the developers
of Celestial Drops] to use our hard-earned credibility" to promote their
product.