President Crackers

by Bryan Zepp Jamieson
07/09/02
http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/crackers.htm


In one of the most dramatic and compelling moments in the history of the United States, the occupant of the White House stood up and made a ringing declaration against corporate crime, and promised to put an end to it before Americans lost faith in the system that made him president of the United States.

For those of us who were lucky enough to be on hand for this historic occasion (and, strictly speaking, I wasn't one of them, but it's easy enough to imagine being there), the response of the media gathered was instructive.

One reporter compared the performance to the greatest movie of all time, saying in admiring tones, "Shocked! I'm shocked, I tell you, to discover there is illegal gambling in this establishment!"

Another report compared the stamina and courage of the leader of the western world to the greatest running back in the history of football: "I will not rest until I have brought Nicole's murderer's to justice."

It was easy, during this auspicious moment, to draw other parallels to momentous historic events; the burning of the Reichstag; the gunpowder plot; the death of the twins in the tower; the career of Adam Sandler.

At this time, I am very disappointed in Michael Moore. I was sure, after hearing Putsch's stirring invocation to Wall Street attacking corporate crime, that Moore would promptly donate the Crackers the Corporate Crime Fighting Chicken costume to Putsch, a move that would lend Putsch considerable gravitas and dignity. Not to mention a barrel or two of used feathers.

Of course, Moore may have sensed that he was the wrong man in the wrong time. Moore, after all, had a reputation for mocking the brave captains of industry who have made America what it is today, and this is not a time for mockery. These brave men on Wall Street are all that stand between us and the return of Joseph Stalin (aside from the fact that Stalin has been dead for fifty years, that is), and it would be unseemly to make light of their brave struggle to keep all those dollar bills out of sight while listening attentively to their creation, the President of the United States.

"There is a difference between ambition and destructive greed," Putsch declared. "Ambition is when you get screwed. Destructive greed is when I get screwed. Have you SEEN the NASDAQ lately? I got screwed, and you sons of bitches are gonna pay for it!"

"The business pages of American newspapers should not read like a scandal sheet," he added, signaling that he was preparing to drive the last nail into the coffin of a free press. "Men of dignity should not be subjected to such churlish abuses by pseudo-leftist class warriors in the media who only got degrees at some UC campus."

Putsch blamed the dot-commers for the sudden collapse of business ethics on Wall Street. Enron wasn't a dot-commer. Xerox isn't a dot-commer. Nor was Global Crossing, Reliant, or even World Com, despite the name. However, not only do voters associate dot-coms with sixteen year old pimply multibillionaires who aren't socially housebroken, but the dotcom boom and bust occurred during the Clinton presidency, when business ethics were even worse than they suddenly got in the past few weeks. Or something.

People who found insanely rich computer nerds to be extremely annoying all share a secret gratification that they fell from their million a month penthouses in New York to living in a cardboard box in Enid, Oklahoma, and George wanted to share that feeling with us. If he could get people to understand that Bill Clinton personally had a hand – or some other appendage – in it, well, so much the better. Anything that can be blamed on Clinton can be blamed on Gore, and George might have to run for office again in ‘04. Worse, he might have to run against an opposing candidate. Who ever it is, he wants to be able to blame Gore.

Putsch went on to say, "A lot of money was made but too often standards were tossed out." Most observers felt that the phrase was a bit wordy for the title of his autobiography, and some suggested the more succinct and accurate "Major League Asshole" instead.

In one of the most startling signs that this president wasn't fooling around, he really meant business, no fooling, he called for an extra $100 million for the SEC, the agency which major corporations, banks, and stock brokers control through George in order to regulate major corporations, banks, and stock brokers. Giving the SEC an extra $100 million, onlookers agreed, is about like saving the Titanic by inflating a life raft in the engine room. George was impressed by the large number of classic movies his speech was being compared to, although he admitted the only movie classics he had seen were the ones with Adam Sandler in them.

Putsch also order the formation of a corporate fraud task force in the Justice Department, showing impressive versatility and imagination. Certainly, corporate fraud had never been a problem in America before, and it was the sincere hope of all our business leaders that this new task force on corporate fraud will work harmoniously with the five or six other task forces on corporate fraud currently existing in the Justice Department.

Putsch also endorsed a suggestion that all share option plans should be approved by investors. Since, thanks to the 95th Congress, investors cannot sue the board of directors, about all they can do is look at the share option plans, this was regarded as a fine idea that met all the libertarian beliefs that businessmen are best trusted to be honest and have integrity if nobody ever checks on them to see what they're up to. They just can't do their best work with a bunch of regulators looking over their shoulder.

The Stock Market reacted strongly to Putsch's speech, with the Dow dropping 170 points, while the S&P lost 20 points. The NASDAQ crawled under a rock and died.

Observers agreed it was Putsch's best speech since he castigated the Palestinians, telling them they would never amount to anything unless they picked a leader picked fairly in an honest election.

In a related note, Ralph Nader was hospitalized overnight for observation when aides noticed he was laughing. Nobody had ever seen Ralph laugh before.

In other news, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill suggested that Wall Street's problems could best be addressed if everyone in the corporate world gave away all their possessions, moved to rural Oregon, and became alpaca farmers and glassblowers. O'Neill proceeded to do just that.