Targeting Terrorism

From the Vomitorium, all good ideas flow

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson 2005

1/16/05

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/deathsquads.htm

Moving forward together, the Senators nervously approached the Palace of the Caesar of Rome and all Outlying Lands. Some of their nervousness stemmed from the fact that almighty Caesar was contemptuous of their counsel, and usually only summoned them when he wanted something.

Then too, some of the nervousness stemmed from the rather intimidating decorations and motifs with which Caesar had chosen to address his vast courtyard. Over the entranceway hung the corpses of several donkeys, gutted, spitted, with derogatory slogans questioning their patriotism and wisdom painted on their sides. Flags of Rome were everywhere, arrayed along poles all around the perimeter, hanging from every window, and on the lapels and shoulders of the various bureaucrats and military functionaries that scurried through the carnival-like atmosphere of the courtyard. Elephants, ridden by the elect and select, carelessly strolled the grounds, master of all they surveyed. At the far entrance to the Palace itself, leering over the colorful and garish display, was painted the immense face of a fox.

One Senator, trying to remain inconspicuous, nudged the Senator beside him and nudged a thumb to their right. "What’s going on there?"

The two Senators watched as soldiers tossed large logs onto an already roaring fire. Above the fire was suspended a large brass platform. On the platform, two dozen naked young people were to be seen, screaming, leaping, dancing, turning cartwheels, in frantic efforts to evade the scorching heat of the nearly red hot metal floor. Laughing soldiers poked spears at the figures in order to prevent escape, while other soldiers hurriedly sketched pictures of the proceedings.

The first Senator repeated his question. "What are they doing?"

The second Senator leaned back slightly, and spoke from the corner of his mouth. "Cheerleading practice."

"Ah." With no further comments, the Senators filed into the quarters of the most August of July, the Salad of Caesars, the Institute of Cato, scion of Juvenel, Horace and Assissi, the Caesar.

Caesar looked up from a series of brightly-colored drawings he had been puzzling over. "Hi, Lanky, Stinky, Baldy, Early, Too Tall and Nutzy. How’s tricks?"

The Senators all performed bows while trying to remember which nickname had been assigned to which Senator. Not that it mattered; they changed every few weeks. "All hail, great Caesar!" they chorused, wondering what the hell the old fool wanted this time.

"I’ll get right to the point. Our efforts to bring freedom to Judaea have hit some obstacles."

With an effort, the Senators avoided exchanging startled glances. It was political death to mention that the war in Judaea was not going well. In fact, it was politically risky to mention it at all.

"For some reason, the Israelites have resisted our efforts to bring freedom and democracy to the region. Every day brings more news of brave centurions killed by lumps of clay fired in kilns and launched from concealed catapults as they ride by. These IEDs..."seeing puzzled looks, he amplified, "Improvised Earthen Devices have made roads nearly unusable. Worse, the insurgents have been effective in cowing our loyal supporters, kidnaping and murdering thousands of them."

The Senators all nodded slightly. They had hear the gruesome stories of Israelite workers stoned to death in public squares, or of their bodies being found murdered execution style, hands tied and a single nail in the back of the head.

"Therefore, a new option is in order. I want the Senate to pass legislation for me to sign authorizing the formation of Judaean Freedom Squads. These squads are to be funded by outside means, so the only thing the Senate need do is authorize for training through our School of the Romans."

"How will it be funded?" Lanky wanted to know.

Caesar coughed and glanced down at his table. "We have made arrangements with the Persians. It is not a concern of yours."

"Will the people of Rome support this?"

"I am the people of Rome."

"No, I mean will we have malcontents and liberals running around complaining?"

"We will give them a person to blame for all the difficulties we face in Judaea. We have found a man who will grasp the public imagination, a man who will instill hatred and patriotism in the hearts of all right thinking Romans. This fellow is named..."Caesar rustled through some scrolls on his desk, "Yeshua bin Joseph." He smiled at the senators, and affected a sing song reading voice, like that of the street corner cryers. "I’ll tell you about this so-called ‘Yeshua.’ He, and his grimly vicious squad of remorseless killers, who called themselves ‘The Disciples,’ have held Nazareth, Jerusalem and environs in a state of terror for three years. During this reign of terror, Yeshua and his death squad raped temple virgins, killed police, priests, storekeepers and anyone who they saw as sympathetic or useful to the Romans (what they called "collaborators"). Often the bodies were left, killed execution style (hands tied, single nail to the back of the head) for the families to find. He has links to terror in neighboring regions, and may even be receiving funding from Roman foes in Gaul and Carthapatania."

Caesar grinned down at the Senators. "That oughta scare the shit out of them. You think?"

Lanky shook his head. "Who is this ‘Yeshua’ guy, anyway? I’ve never heard of him."

"His real name is Yeshua bin Joseph of Nazareth. He’s pretty much a cipher. Some irregularities on his birth certificate, then nothing for twenty-eight years. Then suddenly, over the past few years, he’s all over the place, he’s got a gang, and he’s in all the news. His party name is ‘Jesus’."

"‘Party name?’ This guy a nihilist or something?"

Caesar cocked his head to one side, and scribbled a note on a piece of papyrus. "He is now," he said, looking pleased.

"Is he really the head of the insurgency in Judaea?"

"Who knows? All those Heebs look alike to me anyway. But as far as the people of Rome are concerned, he’s the reason for all the trouble, and he’s why we must form Judaean Freedom Squads, to dissuade his followers. I call it the Salvadorean option."

"Who is Salvador?"

"A Slave," Caesar replied carellessly. "Works at the vomitorium. He says he got the idea mopping up one night."

"Will the people of Rome buy this ‘Jesus’ as head of the insurgeancy?"

Caesar grinned. "Mark my words. As long as Rome is remembered, people will know the name of Jesus."