Kicking the bully

North Korea isn’t cooperating with the administrations plans for glory

by Bryan Zepp Jamieson

02/07/03

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Humor/kicking.htm

Colin Powell had just gotten done with his speech before the UN, in which he argued that Iraq was trying to deceive UN inspectors and thus was in material breach and thus needed to be attacked. Given his general lack of compelling evidence, he was doing a creditable job, looking calm and unruffled and in command of his facts.

Of course, just about everyone believes that Saddam does have banned weapons, and is trying to conceal them . The real issue is whether that justifies going to war on Iraq. The administration says "yes", and the rest of the word, except for Tony Blair, says "Wait a minute."

Putsch is marshaling everything in his power to get this war, and he probably will get it, although without support from the UN and with half-hearted help from a half dozen countries and active assistance only from vice president Tony Blair.

But the UN kinda has this notion that they are there to try and PREVENT war. So even if Colin had a smoking gun of some sort, the UN wasn’t about to say, "Oh, go ahead and nuke the silly bastard if it will make you feel better."

Colin waved some little vials filled with yellow-white powder that W probably found in his old aviator flight jacket and explained how several million of these, dropped from a space shuttle, would injure dozens of people and were thus weapons of mass destruction. Everyone remembered that this man represented a foaming nut who had the ability to destroy all human life on the planet a dozen times over and decided not to argue the point.

Colin then strutted out of the UN with the air of a man who has had many large, toxic objects rammed up his ass and has rather learned to enjoy the experience, and Putsch sat back to watch his poll numbers start moving up, since a good infomercial like the one Colin put on was bound to get to get at least 5-10% of the population back on his side, if only temporarily, but even that could have a cascade effect, and he might end up moving forward with the attaq wearing a 85% approval rating. Already he could imagine the dittoheads chanting their idiotic refrain, "Nuke Saddam! Nuke Saddam!" It takes a very special mind to imagine you can drop a nuclear bomb on a city of three and a half million people and kill just one guy, but dittoheads have this talent...

It probably would have worked great, except right then, North Korea piped up and announced that they were prepared for total war with the United States. You can just imagine Dick Cheney muttering "shit!" under his breath, because he and the rest of the junta had done such a marvelous job of focusing public fear and outrage on Iraq. Why, thanks to the right wing propaganda machine, over half of all Americans believed Iraq was involved in 9/11! Of course, part of it is the public understanding that "ay-rabs" were behind 9/11, and an ay-rab is an ay-rab is an ay-rab, especially when they aren’t which is why we’ve been attacking non-Arabic countries like Afghanistan and Iraq.

Just think of the world as a big, big playground, and it’s recess. Lots of kids of all different sizes, and no teachers or other school authorities in sight. What you got here is your basic Lord of the Flies type of situation.

You got this big kid, the biggest kid in the school, and he’s America. He’s a bit slow, and flunked second grade for eight straight years, making him the only second grader who needs to shave.

He’s confronting a smaller kid, pushing on the kid’s chest, forcing him to step backwards, and obviously he’s spoiling for a fight. He’s shouting to the other kids that he heard that the little kid, Iraq, was planing to beat up even littler kids, and he’s just defending them, but most of the kids in the yard figure America is just shaking Iraq down for his lunch money. A lot of the kids have had similar experiences with America.

Suddenly, another little kid runs up and starts kicking America in the shin, and yelling that he’s going to kick America’s ass.

This wasn’t in the game plan. America spent a lot of years working on becoming the biggest kid in the schoolyard, and he was supposed to be so bad no other kid would even DREAM of messing with him.

America’s got a problem. He’s already committed to taking care of Iraq, and if he turns away, Iraq and all his buddies are going to see that America can be faced down. But he isn’t sure he can ignore this other kid, NK (I’m not being too subtle for anyone here, am I?). For one thing, NK might have a gun. America has heard that NK has been threatening to give other kids guns to protect themselves with. We could end up with a real Columbine here, folks.

Now that we’ve run that sad little simile into the ground, there are two problems Putsch faces with North Korea. First, there’s the fact that North Korea may well have nukes, is certainly capable of building nukes, and may well be selling fissionable material – eg, plutonium – to other countries, including countries not noted for their endearing love of America. This is bad.

The second thing is that Kim il Jung, the despot who basically IS the government of North Korea, is crazier than a shithouse rat. He’s as crazy as we try to pretend Saddam is. (Saddam is a vicious thug, but he isn’t noticeably suicidal, and in fact, seems to be very talented at self-preservation.) Kim is noted for stunts like kidnaping Japanese to give lessons on Japanese culture to his troops and then returning them 15 years later, and he’s reported to have arranged the kidnaping of a few movie actresses from South Korea.

This is pretty loony tunes stuff. Certifiable. Round the bend. Off his twig. Toys in the attic. Bats in the belfry. Remember, he grew up as the son of a dictator with unlimited powers, and probably isn’t real used to not getting his way. Peter Pan, son of Stalin.

And of course, Putsch isn’t exactly a strong counter-argument for letting presidential whelps steal the white house and set out to avenge daddy. So it’s quite the situation we’ve got.

If Rupert Murdoch is reading this, I have a suggestion. Offer a million dollars and lots of televison exposure to Kim, Saddam, and George. The rules of the show will be real simple. All three of them will be put in a container measuring, oh, call it six feet on a side. The top will be open for a infrared camera to watch, but the inside will be totally dark, so far as visible light goes. You put the three contestants in.

With chain saws.

Chain saws that are running.

The survivor, if there is one, gets to run all three counties, It’s unlikely anyone would notice much difference.

And if there are no survivors, well...

We can try the show next week, with the heads of major religions in the box.

Trust me. It would be a big hit, and benefit humanity.