A Pig in a Poke

OK, here’s the deal: I’m authorizing you to buy this pig that I claim is in this poke. What’s a poke, you ask?

Right. It’s this sack. In mediaeval England, they called sacks pokes. Obviously, they knew that doing that would mess with the heads of 21st century Americans. They were French, what can I say?

Now, you’ve had a couple of glimpses in the poke. There’s something vaguely pink in there, and whatever it is, it sure smells like a pig. I assure you it’s alive and healthy, and the fact that I have everything to gain and nothing to lose from not having a live, healthy pig in this poke in no way influences my assurances that there is a live, healthy pig.

In this poke.

That I’m holding here.

And, being fine, upstanding people, you aren’t going to leave me, your representative, looking ridiculous by walking away, leaving me holding this poke.

Now, I understand some critics have said that by, um, poking the poke, they determined that there was either no pig in there, or that said pig was, as the expression has it, dead. This is, at the end of the day, an entirely serviceable pig.

OK, I’m going to address those concerns of yours. The people who stand to profit from selling you this pig tell me that the pig is working just fine, and further they’re telling me that you need this pig for your own self_defense, because there are rhinoceroses out there, and pigs are the only thing that can defend you from a charging rhinoceros. They have the figures to prove it. Unfortunately, those figures are top secret because we don’t want to tip our hand to the rhinocerii.

The French rhinocerii.

Now, it is true that the past few times that we produced a pig in a poke, the pig perhaps failed to perform according to specs, being noticeably deficient in the areas of rooting, snorting, eating, defecating or respiring. That, or the animal refused under any circumstances to come out of the poke, leaving some cynical critics to wonder if there was a pig in the poke, or just a Farmer John ham that had exceeded its sell_by date.

Some of you may be wondering why you should buy a pig. Obviously the thought of your spouse and children being trampled by rhinoceroses doesn’t bother you much. Some people just don’t have any sense of responsibility for their loved ones.

So you don’t care. So be it. You would rather trade your family for a pet that is more attractive, like a French poodle, or a French cat, or a French guinea pig. As if the French ever did anything for you. You can enjoy the prospect of having your French cat turn its nose up at you and ignore you entirely amidst the trampled ruins of your home, and it won’t do you a bit of good to come to me and say how sorry you are that you didn’t buy my pig when you had the chance.

So go on. Go play with your Eurotrash pet. Unless you’re smart.

Now, a pig can not only protect your house from rhinoceroses, but it will earn you the respect of your neighbors, who have only French pets and not one pig.

Not a single one.

Starting to feel a little disgusted with your neighbors? Well, you should! Where do you think they’ll be when the rhinoceroses attack? Do you think they’ll lift a finger to help you, with their French pets? I tell you, they’re probably French themselves, but ashamed to admit it.

Now, let me tell you about these rhinoceroses. The rhinocerii are a vicious and mean pack, an axis of evil that lives only to ravage decent people in their decent homes. They hate and fear people who are capable of buying a fine swine like mine, because they would like to have pigs of their own, in case, um, they turn on themselves or something.

But I don’t want you to feel frightened. I know you are a brave and resolute group of people, people of exceptional intelligence and sound judgment who would never let a pack of rhinoceroses tell them what they can or cannot buy.

Are you with me or not! Let’s show those French German rhinocerii!

Now, the folks who brought you this pig assure me that unless you buy this pig right away, the rhinoceroses will attack. They will attack because they believe you don’t have a pig to protect you. Now, some people will say that maybe if the whole subject of pigs hadn’t been brought up in the first place, that maybe the rhinoceroses wouldn’t have considered attacking, but people like that were the same ones who said that having a pig to protect your property was a pretty dumb idea in the first place.

There hasn’t been a single rhinoceros attack since the concept of a pig defense was first raised, which pretty much shows THEM, doesn’t it?

Folks, I realize that this is a big decision to make, so I’m going to make it easy for you. I’m not going to bring the pig out where critics can confuse you with endless babble about whether it’s a live pig or a dead pig, or if alive, of adequate standards of piggishness to repel a rhinoceros. These guys are going to want to know how fast the pig can run, and if it can fight, and ask us to take on stuffed rhinocerii just to show that it can. You gain nothing from that sort of nonsense, and it costs valuable time. And you like simple, direct answers to problems.

Friends, this is the most simple, direct answer you’ll ever get from me, right here and now.

You need this pig.

So if you just give me blank checks, I will personally guarantee that each of you will have pigs protecting your homes against attack from foreign rhinocerii.

Oh, and just make the check out to "Star Boars"...