The Tape That Unmasked Al Gore

Idle minds are the devil’s workshop

by Bryan Zepp Jamieson

12/15/01

"Good evening. I’m Dan Vapid, and this is Corporation News Network. All the news you want to hear, with no liberal propaganda, We’re Standing Tall For America.

"In tonight’s top story, weeks of excitement and speculation culminated with the triumphant release of a videotape that Attorney General John Ashcroft said, and I quote, ‘Would forever alter the public perception of the Democratic Party.’ For more on this story, we go to Wolfen Furter, at the Department of Justice. Wolfen?"

"Good evening, Dan. Reporters this afternoon were allowed to view the videotape. The videotape, which was filmed at the campaign headquarters of then-Vice President Al Gore, shows what many observers believe to be Gore discussing vote-counting strategy in the contested elections in the state of Florida in the 2000 election. The videotape was found in the laundry room of a downtown Washington apartment building when Homeland Security troopers were performing a routine sweep for terrorists. The tape, which is an amateur videotape, apparently shot by a friend of Al Gore’s, was of poor quality, and loyal American technicians in the CGI labs at FBI headquarters have spent the past few weeks clarifying the sound and the image so that everyone could see for themselves what was actually transpiring."

"Wolfen, if I might interject here, but when the Tape was first discovered, Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed location at 234 ½ Almer Street in Brookline, Massachusetts, stated on some rival network or other that the tape contained strongly incriminating evidence suggesting that Al Gore was prepared to use ultimate evil ends to steal the election in Florida and thwart the will of nearly 51,000,000 Americans who voted for President Bush. You’ve now seen the tape. Is that, in fact, what the tape reveals?"

"Dan, there is no doubt in this reporter’s mind that that is exactly what this tape reveals. Al Gore is seen chuckling as he tells his visitor of legions of elderly Florida Jews, Democratic operatives sent to the polls to try and upset the results of the election and throw America to the Democrats. I, and many others like me, suffered through the horror of the Clinton impeachment, and watching that man laugh as he proposed to inflict more suffering like that on hundreds of millions of Americans sent chills down my spine."

"I’m sure all our viewing audience, the most intelligent and aware audience in American history, share a strong bond of American compassion with you tonight, Wolfen. Praise the lord.:"

"Praise the Lord."

"A great deal of speculation has swirled around who it is that Al Gore was speaking to on that tape. Some people said that it was merely Joe Lieberman, his running mate. Some insisted that it was Hilary Clinton, and on the Smiley Factor: America is Godly show, it was stated that Gore was addressing the ghost of FDR. Wolfen, does this tape clear up the mystery of who it is to whom Gore is speaking?"

"Yes, Dan, it does, and I have to say that I was very profoundly shocked when I discovered who it was. We know, of course, that Al Gore is an evil, evil man, but we never, in our wildest dreams, guessed just how evil that was."

"Who was he speaking to, Wolfen?"

"It was Satan."

"Satan? The Devil?"

"Also known as Mephistopheles, Arichmachus, Golub, Hedom, Shaitan, and a host, a legion of other names."

"That’s remarkable, Wolfen!"

"As you can see here on this still from the tape, Satan, during the course of the conversation, gets up to make himself a drink, presumably of virgin’s blood. Notice the goat legs, ending in cloven hoofs, and the red complexion. The forked tail and the neat, black little goatee also have led Homeland Security experts to conclude that this is, indeed, Satan."

"He appears to be crouching in the picture, Wolfen. How tall is he?"

"I would estimate that he is between nine and ten feet tall, and weighs about 200 pounds. The low weight for his height is also a characteristic that CIA operatives have reported as being strong evidence that this is Satan."

"The voice seems familiar."

"Well, it should come as no surprise that the voice is identical to that of Dick Gephardt. There have been suspicions about Gephardt’s loyalties among the Washington Press Corps for years, and this would appear to definitively answer those doubts."

"Are you saying that Dick Gephardt is Satan? Or rather that Satan is Dick Gephardt?"

"Dan, as a reporter, I wouldn’t want to prejudge the man. But the evidence is there."

"Does the tape reveal what the two are talking about?"

"It does, and the results are very disturbing. Satan starts by warning Al Gore that if Bush and the Republicans are defeated, his plans to destroy all that is good and decent in the world have been thwarted, and he asks Al Gore why he didn’t follow the plan to have Bill Clinton involve himself in the campaign more."

"That would suggest that there had been at least one meeting prior to this between the two, Wolfen."

"That’s what the experts here at the Department of Justice are saying, Dan. They feel that there may have been Satanic involvement in the Democratic Party going back all the way to 1932."

"It’s absolutely incredible that the Democrats would do such a thing."

"Dan, it’s even more incredible to me that Satan would do such a thing. Obviously, there’s no need to bargain for Al Gore’s soul. You don’t negotiate to buy something you already own. This may be part of a wider plot."

"What plot might that have been?"

"I spoke with the Attorney General a little while ago, and he held the opinion that Satan was coaching the Democrats, teaching them the arts of smear, innuendo, and demonization. John, that is, Attorney General Ashcroft, said that portions of the tape not released to the public clearly show Satan teaching Al Gore to claim that Republicans do such things as steal elections, manipulate the national wealth to line the pockets of alleged wealthy supporters, discriminate against a criminal element that they try to raise to the level of decent citizens, and fabricate evidence. He also said that it claims that a right wing element, a so called Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, to use the term employed by failed Senator Hillary Clinton, have suborned the media and replaced all communication and entertainment in America with an unending wave of Republican propaganda."

"Obviously the processes of a very disturbed mind. And to think, that man very nearly was elected president. Just 500 votes would have done it."

"It’s a good thing that all the votes were counted and counted and counted, Dan. Satan, of course, is the reason the rest of the world is as bad as it is. Did you know that the English eat their young?"

"They do?"

"They have for years. That’s Satan for you."

"God is good."

"Praise God."

"Did they explain why it took three weeks for portions of this tape to be released?"

"Of course, Dan, and it’s nothing sinister or anything. They just wanted to clean it up a bit, and make sure that the sound quality and video sharpness would be clear enough for the home audience. As you might guess from the quality that we have now, they started with little more than snow and buzzes."

"Wolfen, what happens next?"

"The Attorney General has issued a warrant for the arrest of Al Gore, and there are rumors tonight that United States Air Force planes are conducting a heavy bombing campaign in the vicinity of where he is believed to live. He will not escape. America will prevail. This is Wolfen Furter, speaking from the Justice Department Building in Washington, D.C."

"In other news tonight, the Department of Homeland Security rounded up another 5,000 traitors at UC Berkeley as a part of their continuing efforts to dislodge the anti-American forces that have taken over our intelligentsia. For more on that story, let’s go to Chokeson Bobbitts in Berkeley..."