Just Hanging Around at Easter

“Always look on the bright side of life...”

© Bryan Zepp Jamieson
http://www.mytown.ca/zepp
3/23/08

It’s Easter, and all around the world people got up early to watch the sun rise. You can point out to them that the sun rises like that every morning (except for certain times of the year above the Arctic Circle and below the Antarctic circle, offer void in Delaware and Vermont, your mileage may vary), and what’s more, it can vary from an actinic burst of sharp light on an equatorial desert to a sullen lightening of slate gray clouds over London, which is why some people get up early all the time and watch the sun rise. You can also point out that while it’s pretty close to due east, that’s only because we’re near the equinox, and that at other times it tends to wander around a bit, so don’t count on it for navigating out of that desert, or even London. Unless you understand the basic motions of earth and the solar system, there’s no way of telling where it will come up next, really. Unless you do it the grunt way and notice it follows the same pattern every year.

But if you do point these things out to people, don’t expect an effusive response, especially from the depressingly high percentage for whom these particular revelations will be, well, revelations. They will tell you that you aren’t treating the occasion with the appropriate gravity. Since you may as well be hung for sheep as lambs, you can correct them, pointing out that while the earth’s gravity, combined with the distance between the earth and the moon, and the moon’s gravity, is a good way of telling where the moon will be twenty-five years, six months, four days, eighteen hours and 52 minutes from now, you really need the sun’s gravity, and the knowledge that the earth is roughly 93 million miles from the sun, to get a good feel for where sunrise is going to be on July the fifth.

This won’t make you any friends, either, and if that troubles you, I’m sure your local bookstore has all sorts of self-help books that will make you popular and in the more decent bookstores, they’ll also make you some good coffee.

I can work out the math that will tell me when sunrise will be on July 5th in my town, but the calculations for determining when Easter is remain well beyond my grasp. Something to do with the first full moon after the equinox, divided by the amount of time it took Galileo under torture to admit he was just kidding about those mountains on the moon, times the number of the volunteer crucifixions in the Philippines each year. That’s as I understand it, anyhow.

Speaking of the Philippines, they’ve really been lining up to get nailed to crosses this year. It included a 15 year old boy and an eighteen year old girl. Mind you, these aren’t fake: they actually NAIL the people’s hands and legs to the cross and then hoist them on up to writhe in agony for fifteen minutes or so. Improves their moral character, or something.

This custom started in 1961, in San Fernando, Pampanga, when the actor playing Jesus demanded that, in order to improve the verisimilitude of his suffering, real nails should be used in the performance instead of rope, as had been the custom. The ultimate in method acting, and nobody even remembers the guy’s name. Van Gogh can stop whining now.

A Scottish DJ and tabloid writer named Dominik Diamond decided to try to rediscover his faith and salvage his career by getting nailed in San Fernando. He had mixed results. As the Telegraph reports, “He got as far as having the nails banged in, but then fell off his cross as his foot rest gave way. [At that point his nerve went and he fled, to the jeers of the crowd] He went on to stage a controversial exhibition of photographs, footage and paintings associated with his experience, and has been quoted as saying: ‘Christ was crucified to save mankind, I was crucified to save my career. Both of us failed in our objectives.’” There went a man who could bollocks up his own execution.

The Philippine government, acknowledging that they can’t exactly stop people from being crucified if they really want to be crucified, settled for recommending that all nails and whips be sterilized so as to prevent infection, tetanus shots be administered, and a doctor be on the premises. If I was a doctor, I would have to get awfully tired of short-arm inspection before taking on that particular detail. The government also advised that crucifixion was bad for the health.

I got to wondering about that. What are the medical consequences of crucifixion? The first site I checked began thusly: “This is the crux of the arguments here.” I winced, and kept reading. It gets gruesome, so you may want to stop reading, or at least skip the medical section.

The Crucifixion – Crucifixion was invented by the Persians between 300-400 BC. It was "perfected" by the Romans in the first century BC. The most common type of cross in the first century was a low Tau. It consisted of an upright pole permanently fixed in the ground, called the stipes; And a crossbar called the patibulum, which usually weighted between 75-100 pounds.
Fixing the Hands to the Cross – For centuries, most artists rendered the crucifixion of Jesus with nails in His hands. However, anatomical studies have shown that this will not support the weight of an adult male. Archaeological discoveries have shown that the nails were placed between the radius, ulna, and carpal bones. By this manner no bones would be broken. (In the Philipines, they get around this with rope and ribbons under the forearms and armpits, to support the weight of the crucifee).
Fixing the Feet to the Cross – After flexing the feet into an extreme position the feet were nailed, usually with one nail, to the stipe, between the second and third metatarsal bones. The result was that the individual was pinned in place with the knees bent, bearing full weight on the nails. This was an incredibly difficult position to maintain due to strain on the thigh muscles (try to stand with your knees flexed for just five minutes.)
Physiological Effects of Crucifixion
Flogging – Severe dehydration due to blood loss; Orthostatic hypotension (low blood pressure); Muscle tremors and tetany;
Nailing the Hands – Paralysis of Median Nerve; Unimaginable pain at first, then paralysis and numbness.
Nailing the Feet – Paralysis of deep peroneal nerve of the feet.
Respiratory effects – Inability to exhale fully; Hypercarbia (increased carbon dioxide); Muscle tetany creates a vicious circle. To properly exhale required lifting the body. Each respiratory effort required so much muscular effort that muscle fatigue would cause the victim to die by asphyxia.
Cause of death – The primary cause of death by crucifixion is asphyxiation. That is, the victim slowly suffocates until dead.
Other contributing factors – Hypovolemic shock; Exhaustion; Dehydration; Stress induced arrhythmias; Congestive heart failure; Pericardial and pleural effusions; Cardiac rupture.
***** End of excerpts from Dr. Mark Eastman *****

Eastman, an apologetic, concluded that crucifixion must have killed Jesus. Of course, it doesn’t kill many Filipinos, but then, they have the advantage of tetanus shots, sterilized stakes, and the knowledge they that they are, after all, going to be taken back down. That, and they’re tough little bastards.

In fact, the damage from this seems to be less than you would expect. The clowns who are whipping themselves are actually at greater risk from infection and blood loss. The bozos on the cross usually can get to the first aid station for post-crucial treatment under their own power, and most recover and lead what passes for normal lives. (Come on, they WANTED to be nailed to a cross. How normal is that?) One fellow has been crucified seventeen times over the past seventeen years, and two more, and he gets to carry the 300 pound cross through town. I love to watch a man who loves his career. He said he did it the first time to convince God that he should save his mother from a deadly illness. He didn’t say if that happened or not, but there was no sign of dear old mum.

But here, just as on the sun, there is gravity. Booths sell hats, toy whips, t-shirts (“Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”) and an assortment of local delicacies in case all the screams and blood and so forth leave you feeling peckish. All at reasonable prices. Lots of gravity.

And when all the hammering and yelling is over, the celebrants thoughtfully leave their apparatus behind, so, as one reporter for the Daily Mail noted, “...local children could be seen, scavenging the discarded whips as souvenirs, swinging the bloody flails at each other playfully.”

Just inspiration for a new generation of Philippine flagellants!