Perfecting Man

A Swift End to the Energy Crisis

©Bryan Zepp Jamieson
10/20/07
http://www.mytown.ca/zepp
 

A few years ago I wrote about thermal depolymerization (TDP), the process of converting carbon-based refuse into light crude oil. The process works, and is useful if the source material is incidental, that is, something already existing that might otherwise have been tossed. If you set out to deliberately create the items used as raw material for TDP, then it becomes a losing proposition. The one commercial plant in the US is in Missouri, just outside a huge turkey plant, and it gets most of its raw material from the plant. The energy contained in the oil equates to about 85% of the energy needed to create what is politely termed “turkey offal”, which, obviously, is a losing proposition. But if you look at the supply of turkey offal as a byproduct that otherwise would have gone to waste, then it’s a pretty good deal, especially with OPEC oil at $90 a barrel. TDP-based oil costs about as much these days.

Anyone who has forgotten to take their Bean-o® prior to sitting down to a large turkey dinner knows that turkey is a rich source of flammable gases. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it might be interesting to measure the methane levels in the United States the day after Thanksgiving. That’s assuming you can find any scientists who aren’t still in a tryptophan coma and are willing to stand out in the sleet and measure the fart rates of America. Of course, TDP can’t convert methane or CO2 to oil, but that’s not the point. I just needed an excuse to talk about turkey farts.

There are machines that can capture and convert these turkey farts into fuel, but strapping them on to 300,000,000 people would be expensive, unsightly, and force most people to watch the football games standing up, which I suspect would not be popular. Obviously, a more linear approach is called for.

Every day, we hear about people who just don’t carry their fair share in society. The people who specialize in demographics warn that vast numbers of us baby boomers are going to turn grey, embrace Guy Lombardi, and lay siege to Social Security and Medicare. Libertarians point to the uneducated, who can’t get jobs that pay $150,000 a year ($27.95 Canadian), as a major drain on society. Lou Dobbs points at illegal aliens. Rush Limbaugh and the GOP clearly think that it’s a disgrace that we should have to pay for other people’s sick kids. If they weren’t such a great source for Rush’s particular brand of enlightened humor, he wouldn’t have any use for sick kids at all. Ann Coulter has let us know that Jews are just unperfected Christians. Or maybe it’s Christians who are perfected Jews. Either way, Ann Coulter is just another way of talking about turkey farts.

Folks, we are missing a rich source of hydrocarbons, and some of those hydrocarbons are living right next door to us and consuming our tax dollars!

The CIA should begin the rendering process. They already have a process called “rendition” which is quite similar, and besides, all the old death camp guards from Nazi Germany have died, so they are the only ones with this type of experience.

Let’s start with the elderly. This is America, and it’s obvious that these welfare queens over the age of 62 (75 Canadian) are all living off the fat of the land, collecting thousands a week in social security, living it up with their Viagra and their 1965 Buicks, and making snide remarks about teenagers. OK, they won World War II and built America(tm), but what have they done for us lately?

So let’s start with John McCain. He’s old. He kicked ass against the Barbary Pirates, got a medal from John Adams, knew George Washington before George became a Christian. But we can’t really compare him to turkey offal, which would be unfair. No feathers, and, being a Republican, no heart and no brain. Therefore the expected returns, allowing for Republican membership, should be about the same as sewage sludge. In other words, if McCain weighs about 150 pounds (143 pounds Canadian), he should be good for about 33 pounds of oil. A pint’s a pound the world around, so call it eight gallons of fuel oil. Not bad. You could get from Los Angeles to Stockton on that, although gawd knows why you would want to.

The trouble is that Republicans are an endangered species these days. They used to roam America in vast herds, trampling rights and sneering at the poor, but as their policies eliminated rights and pretty much ensured that most of them would be poor, their numbers dwindled. The technical term biologists use to describe this is “drowning in one’s own shit.”

Democrats have no feathers, and being Democrats, have no heart or brains. In fact, go back and read the above from the word “unfair” on, and wherever it says “Republican” just think “Democratic”. It won’t do you any good, but it will save me a bunch of typing, which is really what makes it all worth while.

Sick kids are not only a good source of protein, as described in the medical literature by Doctor Jonathon Swift, Ph.D, but a good source for fuel. If you assume that a typical eight year old American child weighs about 180 pounds, then that should be good for about 12 gallons of fuel. Kids tend to be kind of greasy already, and their little bones aren’t developed. The magazine Pedophilia Today refers to them as “Sweet Light Crude.”

Mexicans. The big advantage is that you don’t have to run them through TDP. Just stack ‘em on some kindling and light ‘em up. It’s the diet, you see. They eat pretty much the same things turkeys do. Even an old Mexican like Fidel Castro should burn for hours, and keep the house warm at night.

Perfecting Jews has been the dream of Christianity for millennia (well, two millennia, anyway) and thermal depolymerization has the advantage that you don’t have to rant at them for hours about how Jesus cries himself to sleep every night because Jews remain unperfected. Some people might suggest sparing Jon Stewart, but I note that there are hundreds of hours of his material on You Tube already, and he is mostly reruns these days anyways.

People of Color (Colour, Canadian). Fat Albert could have replaced ANWR. If only we knew then what we know now...

White People: White people eat lots of turkey and beef, and are a rich source of hydrocarbons. And if you are rendering Republicans, then you’ve already made a great start on this.

It would be pointless to render Ann Coulter. I mean, look at her. You think you’re going to get any hydrocarbons out of that? She isn’t worth the carbon she’s sequestering!

Anyway, the dual benefits of this process would be to greatly increase the fuel supply while sharply decreasing the demand. If all goes according to plan, by the time the final solution is achieved, the only people left would be me, and Ann Coulter.

Which, you have to admit, is nothing less than what I would deserve.