The Sacramento Bee, with some dismay, ran a big banner headline in their Sunday Forum section that read, "California, as seen by the rest of the world: They’re laughing at us everywhere"

With good cause. Sometime around 9:15 am tomorrow morning, the California Secretary of State’s office will surpass 300 for the number of declared candidates, and by the time the filing deadline rolls by later this week, there could be as many as 1,000 candidates for governor. All it takes is 65 signatures and $3,500. Or, if you are strapped, 10,000 signatures, or 75 signatures from an accredited third party membership.

Some of them can be taken more seriously than others. There’s the woman who wants to give the entire state a theme based on the well known color pink. There’s the porn star who wants to address the state budget deficit by taxing breast implants. There’s the fellow who wants to be governor so he can give himself his old job back as a state highway maintenance worker. There’s not one but TWO tobacco industry flacks running on a campaign to eliminate tobacco taxes. One guy, a country and western singer, is running under the apparent illusion that by winning, he can get rid of Senator Barbara Boxer. There’s the bounty hunter who believes he has the skills and aptitude for the job. Maybe he should be running for the governor of Texas, where tracking down interstate fugitives from the state government has become something of a state sport.

Then there are the "name" candidates, those who are going to get a significant number of votes based on simple name recognition. Larry Flynt, for example. Larry figures that state revenues can be enhanced by relaxing rules and restrictions on gambling. Larry just happens to own a few casinos. The comedian Gallagher is running. The first image that came to mind was one of him giving a "State of the State" speech, using his trademark watermelon and mallet to explain what he was going to do with the state budget. Gary Condit, foil for the cable weapons of mass distraction last summer, tossed his hat in the ring. Michael the Savage Weiner, neo-fascist talk radio icon, is running. California über alles. Today California, tomorrow the world. This will be Savage’s last territorial demand. And of course there’s Arnie, but odds are he’ll announce he isn’t running on Wednesday. He is, of course, making his plans known on the Jay Leno show, a California touch if ever there was one.

Then there’s another type of "name" candidate. Bob Dole (R) is running. Not Viagra Bob, who was in the Senate and ran for President in ‘96. This is somebody else. Dan Feinstein (D) is in the race, and is doubtlessly hoping to have himself listed as "D. Feinstein - Democrat" on the ballot. There’s rumors that the Republicans found a guy named "Gray Davis" to run, but no confirmation on that.

There will be neo-nazis, new age flakes, religious crackpots, paranoids, crooks, charlatans, self-described deities, prophets, weirdos, nuts, lost cause rebels and notoriety-seekers, but then, California gets all of those in regular elections, especially to school boards. In most California elections, pointing at the freak show and laughing has been so overdone that nobody bothers any more. It’s just that this time, the state seems to have achieved new and unheard of levels of nuttery.

Not everyone running who doesn’t have a hope in hell of winning is a nut, of course. There’s the social studies teacher who laid out $3,500 out of his own pocket to run so he could give his classes real-life lessons in civics. He might be the most rational one in the race.

Others are completely serious about what they want to do as governor. There are two who are grocery store chain owners who want to eliminate all taxes on tobacco products. One guy is running on a peculiar single-issue–the legalization of ferrets as pets. It’s not the sort of stance that is likely to inflame the public’s imagination and sweep him to victory, but it’s a legitimate cause, and he’s laying out his time and money to get that view in the public eye. One guy wants to eliminate the public school system. The kid who ran and failed last fall to be student body president so he’s now running for governor may sound pretty silly until you realize that it’s pretty close to how Dennis Kucinich got his start.

The biggest circus element, and the factor that has brought so many candidates out of the woodwork, is that should Davis be recalled, even if it’s only by a 51-49 margin, the candidate receiving the most votes replaces him for the next three years. And with over 300 candidates, the winner wouldn’t need a very high percentage. In theory, one percent could do it, provided nobody else got one percent. In reality, 15 to 20% should put the winner in.

The far right thinks this is great. They make up about 10% of the population, and 20% of the voting population. This is their big chance to steal by a fluke in the law what they could never win legitimately.

Of course, if Davis wins, it doesn’t matter. But suppose, with two weeks to go in the campaign, his numbers haven’t changed, and voters, by a 55-45 margin, want to recall him? Some folks are saying that won’t happen, he’s too (steadfast and/or arrogant depending on how you want to look at it) to resign.

I did some researching in the California State Constitution, and the Government Code. (both available at I want you to know my brain hurts.

The state constitution is perfectly straightforward: ARTICLE 5, SEC. 10. The Lieutenant Governor shall become Governor when a vacancy occurs in the office of Governor. The Lieutenant Governor shall act as Governor during the impeachment, absence from the State, or other temporary disability of the Governor or of a Governor-elect who fails to take office.

Whew! That solves that.

Except, of course, it doesn’t.

Section 10 concludes "The Supreme Court has exclusive jurisdiction to determine all questions arising under this section." The court referred to is the state supreme court, of course. The last thing anyone needs is Slappy and Scaly staging another judicial coup.

You would think that if Davis resigned, that would render the recall election moot. However, the government code dealing with recalls begs to differ: 11302. "If a vacancy occurs in an office after a recall petition is filed against the vacating officer, the recall election shall nevertheless proceed. The vacancy shall be filled as provided by law, but any person appointed to fill the vacancy shall hold office only until a successor is selected in accordance with Article 4 (commencing with Section 11360) or Article 5 (commencing with Section 11380), and the successor qualifies for that office.)"

So if Davis is gone, the circus has to continue. And I expect that the last two weeks of this campaign are likely to be the nastiest and craziest two weeks in the history of California campaigning. Great for cartoonists, late night show comedians and talk show hosts, and a real grind for the rest of us here in California.

But who, exactly, gets recalled? If Davis has resigned, then Bustamante, the Looey, becomes governor. You wouldn’t be able to recall Davis, because he’s no longer the governor. And the recall doesn’t apply to Bustamante because he isn’t Gray Davis. The recall is against an individual, not a party or the office itself.

Of course, various factions are arguing that the recall election supercedes the succession as laid out in the state constitution, and that some 4% nobody could have a stronger claim to the vacant governor’s office than the duly elected lieutenant governor. Sounds like a good recipe for a revolution, doesn’t it?

It gets weirder. In the event that Davis resigns, the recall goes against him, and whichever candidate in the minnow pond managed to break into double digit support is claiming he, she or it is the rightful governor, then the State Governor’s Commission gets to decide what happens next. They have sole authority to certify the results.

It turns out there’s one more element in all this, one that might save the state from armed revolt. Section 12071. "The commission shall have exclusive authority to petition the Supreme Court to determine any questions that arise relating to vacancies in and succession to the office of Governor."

They, and only they, can turn the matter over to the State Supreme Court. And then only if they don’t have a consensus among themselves. Nobody else can take the matter to the court. Only them.

For right wingers who might be hoping the commission is as ideologically crippled and dishonest as Scalia and Thomas, bad news: the chair is State Senator John Burton, and the vice chair is the leader of the State Assembly: Both are staunch Democrats.

Of course, right wingers are not good losers. Look at how they treated Clinton.

I have a hunch that the merriment contained in the headline "California, as seen by the rest of the world: They’re laughing at us everywhere" might turn into something much uglier before it’s through.