Ten Commandments in Time Saves Nine

In the wake of the shootings at Columbine High School, Congress took bold and assertive action. Rather than pass laws that might limit the insane flow of guns, or work to disabuse Americans of the notion that guns solve social problems, the Republican leadership decided that a little moral reinforcement was in order. We all know how good those Republican morals are. So they passed a sense of the House resolution suggesting that schools post "The Ten Commandments" in prominent locations. Overlooked in the rush to solve the problem by unconstitutionally promoting fundamentalist Christianity was the fact that the Ten Commandments doesn't really cover situations where psychos can easily get dozens of extremely dangerous weapons and kill a bunch of kids with them.
 

"Bug Spray" DeLay and the rest of the GOP turned the whole thing into a grotesque bible-thump session where they passed up a change to lead and instead tried passing the buck to Jesus. [By the end of Representative Tom DeLay's pulpit-thumping, brimstone-seething exhortation against gun controls and the moral decay of "liberal relativism," the evangelical clergymen assembled in the morning sunshine bathing the Capitol were moved to rounds of "Hallelujah!" and "Amen, Jesus!"] -- square brackets indicate someone else's words.  Unfortunately, the authorship is lost.
 

Since then, of course, there's been several more shootings. Christians in Congress, it seems, are useless against nuts with guns.
 

But I got around to wondering just what might have happened had the Ten Commandments been up on a library wall at Columbine. Using the same scientific logic that got the Mars Explorer safely to Mars and the same deep sense of empathy and knowledge of American mores that led Newt Gingrich to the Presidency, I came up with the following scenario: (Language cleaned up as the original wasn't fit for Bible bangers or small children)
 

Why, if they had been hanging over the blackboard in the Columbine library, those two would have run in, taken one look, and it would have been over.
"On the GROUND, muthuh fu...hey, what's that?"
 "What?"
 "Up there, over the blackboard."
 "Dunno. Looks like scripture. Lemme get my glasses." He fumbles through pockets while absent-mindedly firing a burst into the ceiling to keep the terrified students on the floor. Finding them, he strolls over.
 "Yeah. Um, Ten Commandments. Whut's that?"
 "I don't know. They never mentioned it in Sunday school."
 From the floor: "It is the imperative word of God, as handed to Moses to be the supreme law of all Israelites".
 "Shut up, Jew."
 "Is it really the word of God?"
 "It says, 'signed, God' at the bottom."
 "Well, no matter. Let's WASTE these muthers, and then hijack a plane."
 "Hang on. I'm reading the fine print."
 "Come ON! The cops will be here!"
 "WAIT! It says here, "Thou shalt not kill"
 "Who's 'Thou'"
 "It's Elizabethan English. It's what they spoke in Sinai four thousand years ago. It means 'you'".
 "Me?"
 "Yeah."
 "Both of us?"
 "Yeah."
 "We can't kill?"
 "Looks that way."
 "Dammit, I thought you had this all worked out!"
 "I did, I DID! But I didn't think I would find God in the classroom!"
 "Well, hell's bells."
 "'Well hell's bells' is right."
 "What do we do?"
 "Nothin' we CAN do. We gotta surrender".
 

This vignette, brought to you by the Institute for Religious Nuttery in a Formerly Free America, demonstrates how Congress saved thousands of lives last night, while not interfering with anyone's right to shoot anyone they please, so long as God isn't watching.