Death by Biblical Law

A death-penalty verdict was overturned the other day when it came to light that the jury used, instead of the applicable laws of the state of Colorado, passages from the bible to determine that the convicted deserved to die for his crimes.

From the news reports, it’s not hard to imagine a jury giving the guy the death sentence using secular Colorado law. The accused, Robert Harlan, was "convicted in 1995 of kidnaping, raping and murdering Rhonda Maloney, 25." According to the AP article, he also "shot a passer_by who tried to help, leaving her paralyzed."

But the jury was apparently left to its own devices during the sentencing phase, and one juror in particular, who read the bible for comfort and wisdom and apparently only found one of the two, decided that a couple of verses from Romans would be good enough to justify the jury’s decision to impose the death penalty.

American courts have this notion that proceedings should be governed by American law, and not by the policies of semi-literate goat herders from 4,000 years ago. They’re kinda picky that way. So the sentencing was overturned.

Mind you, the convictions, which apparently did go by Colorado law, still stand, and in a new hearing, Harlan might and probably will be sentenced to death.

Perhaps if the trial had been run by biblical standards, the results might have been different. Numbers 35:30 says, 'Whoever kills a person, the murderer shall be put to death on the testimony of witnesses; but one witness is not [sufficient] testimony against a person for the death [penalty.]" And Deuteronomy 17:6 sets an even higher standard, requiring that "Whoever is deserving of death shall be put to death on the testimony of two or three witnesses; he shall not be put to death on the testimony of one witness." Never mind DNA and forensic evidence or any of that stuff, Unless two or three people actually SAW him do it, he gets to walk.

Of course, this administration would probably pass the Empower Victims of Crime While Protecting the Accused Act, which would stipulate that anyone testifying to being a witness to murder need not be sworn in, and no questioning of their testimony be permitted, in order to ensure a swift and certain trial.

Obviously, this would come as a major disappointment to bible bangers who happen to be big fans of the death penalty. That "requiring two or three witnesses" stuff sounds out and out liberal, something those wienies at the ACLU would say criminals deserve, just because they are criminals.

But on the other hand, the bible, if applied to American law, would ensure a lot MORE executions. Not only would there be stonings and burnings, but it wouldn’t be limited to humans. Under the right circumstances, animals frequently found on farms could be put to death, too. And the variety of reasons for the death penalty would mean that 95% of the American population would be put to death, which would certainly reduce our dependence on foreign oil and alleviate the housing shortage.

The following are some biblical verses based on a websearch under the phrase "put to death". I only covered the first four books of the Old Testament, and eliminated the inevitable dupes. I do try to keep these essays from reaching book length and frequently succeed. I didn’t bother with the "suffer a witch to live" parts, either, since a witch is a diviner, and bookies, line-makers and economists are diviners, and thus should not be suffered to live. Anyone who has a good reason why oddsmakers and economists should be allowed to live may feel free to email me, and I, in turn, will feel free to ignore it.

The verses are in quotes, and on better computer systems, in italics. My comments aren’t in quotes, and don’t generally sound very biblical. I’m sure you can sort it all out.

Well, in 21^st century America, we have some 16,000 "smitings" each year that result in death, and only a small percentage of those result in the death penalty for someone; and far too often, it’s not even the someone who did the smiting! We’re coming up ‘way short on executions here. That’s not very biblical.

"And he who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death."

Now, my mom’s a nice little old lady who probably wouldn’t handle a right uppercut real well. If I were to hit her, that would qualify me for jerk of the year award, and some jail time, but if I didn’t kill her then death seems kinda harsh. Even if I was enough of a louse to do something like that.

"He who kidnaps a man and sells him, or if he is found in his hand, shall surely be put to death" Some states have the death penalty for kidnaping. I’m not sure about the "selling" part, though. I would guess that’s a violation of the 14^th amendment. Except, of course, under biblical law, slavery and the buying and selling of human beings is generally viewed with a laissez-faire air about it.

"And he who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death."

That would definitely eliminate classroom crowding.

"But if the ox tended to thrust with its horn in times past, and it has been made known to his owner, and he has not kept it confined, so that it has killed a man or a woman, the ox shall be stoned and its owner also shall be put to death."

I imagine that applies to vicious dogs, as well. Instead of gassing them, Human Society personnel would just chuck rocks at Bowser until he’s kind of a pulpy mass. We don’t usually stone the owner along with his pet, but they can get several years for criminal negligence under the right circumstances.

But on most American farms, the tractor has replaced the ox. No, there’s no point in trying to deny it; it’s true. So if a tractor, I don’t know, slips out of gear and hits someone, killing them, does that mean the tractor should be put to death?

I suspect that means more than just "lying" with the animal. There goes a fairly significant number of male members of farm families.

"You shall keep the Sabbath, therefore, for [it is] holy to you. Everyone who profanes it shall surely be put to death; for whoever does [any] work on it, that person shall be cut off from among his people."

Working on the Sabbath gets you kicked out of the country. And it could be read that working on the Sabbath (usually Sunday) could earn you a trip to the Green Mile. Some bibles go on to say that heating your house on the Sabbath is profaning it, which means nearly every American outside of a few in Honolulu has probably earned the death penalty.

"Work shall be done for six days, but the seventh [is] the Sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD. Whoever does [any] work on the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death."

Good bye, NFL.

I take that to mean that if you lie with a woman who is not a slave you better make certain she hasn’t made any plans to be a concubine.

Well, how big a problem is this, anyway? Moloch hasn’t been real big on the god circuit for a couple of thousand years now, and frankly, he isn’t any more likely to make a comeback at this stage than Ronald Reagan is. Maybe they could change it, so any teeny-bopper caught with three or more Justin Timberlake posters shall be put to death. That seems fair.

That right there should pretty much empty out Congress...

"The man who lies with his father's wife has uncovered his father's nakedness; both of them shall surely be put to death. Their blood [shall be] upon them."

Not mother. So if mom dies, and pops runs out and marries a real babe, watch out. .

Yeah, that’s kinda tacky. Still, it’s a pity Shakespear didn’t toss that as a plot device into "Hamlet". Imagine the lines Hamlet could have uttered about Ophelia! (Of course, he would have had to marry Ophelia, which would have wiped out one of the main plot elements...ok, maybe Bill knew what he was doing after all.)

That’s the one the religious whacks always like to quote to show that God is against gays. Of course, by now, it’s apparent that God is against stuff that 95% of Americans have indulged in at least once at one point or another.

That seems kinda harsh. It’s not like the pony gave his consent.

"If a woman approaches any animal and mates with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood [is] upon them."

I’m told that there are movies with that exact storyline already. I doubt they’ll ever become big grossers at the box office. At least, I hope not.

"First, let’s kill all the astrologers." OK. That works for me. Along with, as mentioned above, all economists and oddsmakers.

"And when the tabernacle is to go forward, the Levites shall take it down; and when the tabernacle is to be set up, the Levites shall set it up. The outsider who comes near shall be put to death."

I think Harrison Ford did a movie about this once. He’s still alive, I notice.

"But if he strikes him with an iron implement, so that he dies, he [is] a murderer; the murderer shall surely be put to death. And if he strikes him with a stone in the hand, by which one could die, and he does die, he [is] a murderer; the murderer shall surely be put to death. Or [if] he strikes him with a wooden hand weapon, by which one could die, and he does die, he [is] a murderer; the murderer shall surely be put to death."

If you use an aluminum bat, you should be ok, right?

"If a man has committed a sin deserving of death, and he is put to death, and you hang him on a tree,"

"Dang me, dang me, they ought take a rope and hang me, up from the highest treeeeee.

Willow, won’t you weep for me?"

OK, granted, that song never made much sense to me. How, exactly do you hang a 180 pound man from a weeping willow?

So for anyone who wants biblical law to govern the death penalty: You’re next. Your tree awaits. Or angry louts with large rocks.