Unintelligent Designs

Universe by "deity to be named later"

©Bryan Zepp Jamieson

2/9/05

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/Religious/ud.htm

For mind-boggling stupidity and utter inversions of meanings and common sense, there’s nothing like the fundies on the Christian right.

Take, for example, this leading phrase from the website Intelligent Design: "Objectivity results from the use of the scientific method without philosophic or religious assumptions in seeking answers to the question: Where do we come from?"

Well, I come from Ottawa, and the fact that I’m no longer there is evidence of intelligent design. Namely, mine. But I don’t guess that’s what those folks meant.

"We believe objectivity will lead not only to good origins science, but also to constitutional neutrality in this subjective, historical science that unavoidably impacts religion. We promote the scientific evidence of intelligent design because proper consideration of that evidence is necessary to achieve not only scientific objectivity but also constitutional neutrality."

Well, damn, but that sounds good. Almost scientifical-like. Objectivity is a very scientific thing, you know.

Only what’s that "constitutional neutrality" bit? Real science doesn’t worry about constitutional neutrality. The theory of gravity will never have to appeal to the Supreme Court for the right to impose a downward acceleration of 9.92 meters per second squared on us earth-dwellers. And while Jefferson definitely had thoughts on the nature of the diversity of plants and animals in the state of Virginia, he never got around to discussing it in the Declaration of Independence, or even in his letters to Madison about the Bill of Rights.

That was followed by this little tidbit: "Click here for the latest information on Kansas Science Standards."

Ah. That’s a dead giveaway. Mention "Kansas" and "science" in the same breath, and you know it’s going to be some loopy bullshit about how Noah wouldn’t let the dinosaurs on the ark, or how the great plains formed from backwash from the Great Lakes when the earth stopped rotating for the battle of Gideon, or even stranger stuff than that.

About then, you realize that "Intelligent Design" is the latest variation by religious nuthatches to impose biblical creationism on our poor kids.

Only they don’t mention the bible, or God, or anything like that. You see, if you mention God or the bible, you’re getting religious. Some people think the bible and God have something to do with religion, you see, and the constitution takes a dim view of using the state to promote religion. When the fundies aren’t lying their heads off to gullible followers that the founders really wanted a Christian nation, they are coming up with stuff like "Intelligent Design" because they know that all that "founders wanted a Christian nation" stuff is absolute malarky, and this is their latest way to dodge around the intent of the constitution while loudly proclaiming their love and respect for it.

The basic twin premises are elegant, forming, in whole, a Moebiüs Strip of reason. The fact that the universe is very complicated is proof of an intelligent designer to be named later. And what is the evidence of this intelligent designer? Why, it’s the fact that the universe is very complicated!

But, in the interest of Science and Objectivity and making an end-run around the courts, this intelligent designer is left open for conjecture. Apparently there are no deities willing to accept responsibility for the platypus. So the intelligent design crowd doesn’t speculate on what, exactly, created this complicated universe. But something did. Mighty sky farts, or ETs, maybe.

In a way, it sounds like a premise held by many intelligent Christians who realize that science isn’t just some sort of rival cult. Many people believe that the evolution of life on earth occurred, and is occurring, pretty much the way the scientific evidence says it did. And in that history, far more marvelous and complex than any of the pale little creation myths invented by man, they see the hand of God, platypussies and all.

However, the Intelligent Design crowd doesn’t consist of intelligent Christians. This lot feel that evolution refutes intelligent design, and promptly lay out two entirely different standards of provability. Evolution they reject out of hand because it doesn’t have all the answers, and can’t trace the genealogy of every living creature on earth back to the original collection of amino acids. Yet. Intelligent design, however, is proven in their eyes, on the basis that they said so. And besides, earth is such a perfect place for humans. Except for tsunamis and stuff like that. Pretty much perfect. Which proves it. Happy puddle! Splish-splash!

The Skeptics’ Dictionary, a truly wonderful website, has this quote from the late Douglas Adams that pretty much encapsulates the "earth is perfect for humans and therefore IC done it." It says, ". . imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, ‘This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in.It fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well. It must have been made to have me in it!’"

It’s a symbol of the intellectual and general decline of America that Intelligent Design is actually making inroads in our once-proud schools.

But I was thinking about the Biblical take on the Intelligent Design crowd. The Bible suggests that maybe Christians should avoid this lot.

You see, the Bible says that you should not deny God. According to my list of useful Ann Coulter footnotes, it says so right at Bible 9:11. So there. Denying God is bad, bad, bad. Disapproved of. God is not in his Happy Place if you do that. It probably says it more than once in the Bible. It’s a big no-no. Bad puddle! Bad, bad, bad!

Obviously, the "intelligent designer to be named at a future date" dodge is denying God. Not good. Not good at all.

Intelligent Design also promotes knowledge for the illumination of all humankind. Sounds good and noble.

It also sounds Promethean. Nothing wrong with that – unless you take your Bible real literally. You see, the Bible talks about the Promethean figure, the knowledge bearer, the bringer of light. In fact, his name literally means "bearer of light."

Lucifer.

And therein lies the real reason the Intelligent Design crowd don’t invoke God.

They can’t. It might burn their flesh and bring holy wrath down upon their brows if they did.

You can throw several centuries of study and knowledge gained by experiment and observation at them, and they won’t flinch. Toss Adams’ puddle at them, and they won’t flinch.

Try tossing a little holy water at them. I bet they flinch.

Because, by their own mad logic, they are Satanists.