Every so often, you see a prefab list of whines from various right-wingers that have titles like "Liberals believe..." or "Ten signs you might be a left-winger," and so on. Every once in a while I have fun deconstructing those, or doing a mirror image "Conservatives believe..." or "Nine signs you might be a right winger" (#10 is : You can’t count to ten).

Ed Lynch, a right wing columnist for Roanoke.com has the latest variation on such lists, and is honest enough to give credit for the format to Jeff Foxworthy.

His is better than most such lists (most are on the level of "You might be a liberal if you hate America, God, and apple pie"), and worth examining. Following my usual format, we’ll have his one liners, and my responses [I clipped his introduction and some, but not all, of his goofier claims about liberals]. The astute reader may be able to discern the difference between his claims and my responses.

You might be a liberal if …

You think that if someone is getting richer, someone, somewhere, must be getting poorer.

Most liberals realize that the gap between rich and poor is growing at an ever-accelerating pace in America, and is rapidly approaching the point where such a gap is a threat to Democracy, or even a stable society. Further, the rich are unwittingly cheating themselves, since a society with a strong, large middle class and one that can eradicate poverty is stronger, wealthier, and more productive than any of the class-based nightmares such as India, Argentina, and, even more, America.

You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.

Depends. Both sides have responsible and reasonable people, and both have zealots and nuts. I note that both power plants and abortions are legal, and thus have the right to operate without interference.

You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better.

I believe that regulations applied wisely make my life better. Thanks to regulation, I can trust the water I drink and the food I eat much more than otherwise, and my chances of surviving a car crash are much better than they were in the days before auto safety regulations. I also note that when NGOs and corporations are allowed to regulate, the results are usually much more oppressive and expensive than when a government required to respond to the electorate does the same. All societies regulate; societies with responsive governments regulate more wisely.

You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their "fair share."

They aren’t paying their fair share. The top 20% have 95% of the wealth, and are busily fiddling the system to work to their greater advantage. There’s nothing more disgraceful than a man with millions in assets whining to a man who has no assets at all that it’s unfair that he has to pay more taxes.

You think that Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless "dittoheads," but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.

I have yet to see anyone come up with anything like "Moore’s top one hundred misstatements" as was done with Rush Limbaugh some ten years ago. I bet I could list twenty misstatements for every one of Moore’s, and as for flat-out lies, I don’t believe Moore has ever been caught doing that. Limbaugh, on the other hand, does it so frequently that Al Franken has a "Limbaugh lie of the day" five days a week on his radio show. If there’s no equivalency between Moore and the disgraceful Limbaugh, why pretend their listeners are equivalent?

You believe in global warming today just as firmly as you believed in global cooling back in the 1970s.

Climate change brought about by greenhouse gases is no longer in question. It’s a sign of the utter mental bankruptcy of the right that they keep trying to pretend that it is. The Administration has admitted that global warming is real. So have the big three automakers. Insurance companies have advised their clients and investors that global warming will cost trillions. The CEO of Shell Oil has stated flatly that global warming is a result of carbon dioxide emissions. In the meantime, whenever I ask for evidence of this supposed "global cooling" fad in the 1970s, all I ever get is a reference to one lonely little Newsweek article that says some scientists are concerned we could have an ice age at some point.

You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what "real" news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs.

I imagine there are people who feel that way. Anyone who reads me often knows that I have little use for the network news. Talk radio ranges from mildly informative to pure shit, and Internet news sites include both the Guardian and Matt Drudge. I read both, incidently. Blogs are opinion, rather than news, and the quality varies enormously. If you want "real news," read widely, and think for yourself.

You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.

I note that the Pulitzer Prize, given for journalistic excellence, is named for one of the most notorious yellow-sheet journalists in American history. There have always been biased news outlets, and there always will be. The difference now is that only six corporations, all right-leaning, control over 95% of the media, and America no longer gets "fair and balanced" coverage from a variety of voices. This, more than anything else, is what is destroying America.

You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it.

Gorbachev ended the Cold War. It would have ended no matter who the American President was in the 1980s. All Reagan did was set America on the same path followed by Russia that led to the eventual destruction of the Soviet Union, and which threatens to do the same to America.

You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.

Depends what they’re saying, actually. When it comes to dumb bastards in America, the northeast, the midwest, and the west all contribute their share.

You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.

I think he got sloppy and it bit him on the ass. And it gave Putsch’s supporters an opportunity to shift the focus from Putsch’s questionable military service. Notice that Lynch avoided referring to what the "raw deal" was about?

[...]

You think that the phrase "separation of church and state" is in the Constitution.

I’ve never met a liberal who thought that. But I know a lot who know that Jefferson coined the phrase in a letter to the Danbury Baptists, in which he was assuring the Baptists that such a wall protected Baptist churches as much as it protects people of other faiths.

You pride yourself on your global awareness, global sensitivity and global outlook, but can’t name your state legislator or school board representative.

Sure I can. I wonder if Lynch can.

You are dedicated to helping the poor, the downtrodden and the less fortunate, but you have never given blood.

I bet the percentage of blood donors is higher among liberals than among right wingers. And donating blood to your own personal "blood bank" doesn’t count.

You have not seen "The Passion of the Christ," and you don’t know anyone who has seen it.

I thought it was violent trash. But I did see it. I wonder if Lynch actually saw "Fahrenheit 9/11"?

[...]

You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).

I support Clean Campaign Reform, which means that both the public and the wealthy get a say in who the candidates are.

You believe that government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).

I don’t believe the government should hire incompetents (like Thomas), liars (like Colin Powell) or ideologues (like Condoleezza Rice). Last year, in all the oral arguments combined, Clarence Thomas didn’t utter one single word. He had no questions, no need for clarification, nothing. Powell’s performance before the UN marks him as one of the greatest liars in the history of the American Republic, and Condoleezza Rice is still insisting that Saddam be punished for the events of 9/11 that she failed to prevent. But Lynch figures that all he has to do is note that they are Black, and thus they are exempt from criticism. Which is precisely why the cynical and racist Republicans elevated them to their undeservedly high offices.

You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).

I guess Jimmy Carter must have been a right winger. Who’da thunk? I loved watching right wingers studiously ignore the American flag burning by anti-Castro factions in Miami at the height of the Elian Gonzalez thing. That was fun. Flag burning! By Aliens! But in a good cause...

You believe that a mother’s wishes for her child, especially a mother’s last, dying wish for her child, should outweigh the wishes of a father who had long before deserted his family (unless the child is named Elian Gonzalez).

Ah, yes, the Dalrymple claims. Lynch must be hoping everyone forgot that old fraud, or didn’t know that Elian is happy and living with his father today.

You think people in south Florida, who can’t figure out how to work a butterfly ballot, ought to have the final say in choosing the president of the United States.

If voters can’t have a final say in choosing the president, one wonders who Lynch thinks should have such a say. But I suspect Lynch has a deep, searing contempt for voters. Particularly elderly Jewish voters.

You have no problem with Hollywood movie stars flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.

None at all. I recognize that people are inconsistent in different ways. I wonder if Lynch has any problem with being lectured on personal morality and family values by the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, William Bennett and Reverend Phelps.

You think that raising taxes will reduce the budget deficit.

In much the same way that getting a pay raise will mean more bills get paid. You have to wonder if Lynch ever took third grade arithmetic. Hint: when did the present crop of huge deficits begin?

You deplore prejudice and bigotry in all its forms, but think that everyone in the "red states" is an idiot.

Not everyone. After all, even in Utah, 35% of the voters supported Kerry. But I do believe that there are two types of Republicans: rich, or stupid. And most of the red staters who voted for Putsch were not rich. Anyone making less than $75,000 a year who votes for the Republicans is an idiot. No disputing that.

You are more concerned, more often, with the rights of convicted felons than you are with the rights of small business owners.

Since I am not a convicted felon, but I am a small business owner, that seems pretty easy to refute. But "small business" to a Republican means ADM or Monsanto or GM, not the mom-and-pop store on the corner or the family’s 640 acre farm. Republicans support big corporations at the expense of small businesses, and calls those corporations "small businesses" in the hopes of confusing the issue.

You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, chooses to homeschool, or chooses to start a business.

"Right to choose" means right to make a choice. People make the choices that seem right for them, not for me. I support the right of people to be crackpot flat-earth fundies if that’s what makes them happy. Just so long as they have the right to choose.

You are more concerned with Vice President Cheney’s links to Halliburton than with Saddam Hussein’s links to international terrorism.

For much the same reason that I’m more concerned about volcanic eruptions (I live on a volcano) than I am about flying monkeys showing up and dropping a house on my sister (I don’t have a sister). Cheney’s links to Halliburton are well known, well-documented, and evident in his performance as Vice President. Saddam had no, repeat no links to international terrorism. Like WMDs and plans to attack with drone planes, the US claim that he had links to al Qaida was just another Administration lie. One of thousands.

You have used the phrase, "in Europe, the government pays for health care and vacation," without irony.

In much of Europe, as in Canada and the UK, they have universal health care, and get much better care for their money than Americans get from their patch-work, corrupt and inefficient for-profit system. Workers in other countries average between three to six weeks vacation a year, compared to one in America, although why Lynch thinks this is a bad thing escapes me. And I’ve never heard anyone claim up until now that "the government pays for vacations." That’s a new one.

You are worried about how the French view Americans.

I wonder if the French rocket that send emergency food supplies up to the International Space Station the other week included "Freedom Fries."

You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography "only has to look the other way."

Anyone who wants to put a nativity scene up in their front yard or in front of their church is free to do so. To me, it’s just another ad, and less annoying than most. Just don’t require that public facilities be used for that purpose. I would be pissed if I saw an ad for running shoes in front of city hall, too.

And finally, you are almost certainly a liberal if you refuse to admit that you’re a liberal, and accuse anyone of calling you a liberal of McCarthyism.

I’m a liberal and proud of it. I have no idea if Lynch is a McCarthyite or not, but this last comment certainly qualifies him as a dope.

Happy 2005, and keep working to save America from the fascist right!