Irrationality

or How Fred the Dead Basset Hound can solve the California budget crisis

by Bryan Zepp Jamieson

02/28/03

http://www.zeppscommentaries.com/VRWC/fred.htm

There’s a time slot on the Science Fiction channel that falls immediately between the end of their usual evening programming and the all-night infomercials, and in it, they’ve put a program that seems to exemplify the corresponding sense of transition quite well: "Crossing Over with John Edward." Edward runs the old scam of contacting dead relatives. He’s pretty good at it, and knows what the marks want. Therefore, you never hear him say something like, "George, your Aunt Sarah thought you were a mealy-mouthed asshole when you were alive, and she’s pretty ticked that you swiped her Limoges, so she sure as hell doesn’t want to have anything to do with you now that she’s comfortably dead." That would be bad for business.

Animal Planet, a cable station devoted entirely to – you guessed – animals, has a show called "Pet Psychic", the host of which visits with your cat or dog and finds out why Fluffy is turning her nose up at the asparagus, or why Fido has started burying bones in the back yard. People pay scads of money to get questionable answers to these posers.

Here in Mt. Shasta, a town that counts among its populace at least three deities, several angels and archangels, several women who can yodel like whales (thus providing that all-important "transformative energy" that the FDA is always after you to have) and one Space Command general, it comes as no real surprise to me that we have a fellow who, for an immodest fee, will channel your dead pet for you.

Never mind that Fred the Dead Basset Hound never said one damn word while he was alive; after dying from eating an entire box of toy balloons he’s loquacious as hell. Fred wants to come back through this guy so he can express his undying love and devotion for his master.

The concepts expressed are pretty simple and basic, and come with the explanation that cats and dogs have very simple and basic souls. Personally, I think it’s just a happy confluence of the dead pet psychic’s limited imagination and what little verisimilitude is to be had in all this, but that’s just me. I’m a cynic, what can I say?

In any event, the guy shows the mark how sincere the whole thing is as he tapes himself uttering all this cloying babble about how much Fluffy loved her mistress, and was happy and peaceful and content, with lots of mice to chase and not a dog or boot in sight, and as he plays it back, he sobs convulsively, overcome by the beauty and tenderness of it all, unable to believe a coarse, rough individual like him (he’s a retired logger who inhaled far too many chain saw fumes) would be a portal for such wonder.

The mark, of course, laps it up the way Fred used to lap up his own vomit.

I just sigh and remind myself that common sense is an oxymoron.

The trouble is, our government has been taken over by people who are pretty much the same as our friend the dead pet psychic.

For instance, today, Putsch promised the country that by invading Iraq and killing Saddam (and a quarter million others) we would have a more peaceful and democratic middle east. He wasn’t very clear on just how that would work – I believe it involves clicking your heels three times and thinking of Kansas – but he assured everyone with honest blinks of the eyes that this is what would happen.

The Pentagon apparently left a tooth under the same pillow. They refer to what’s planned for the children of Iraq as "creative destruction." It takes a very special mind to come up with a phrase like that, and a rational society would keep such a mind well-medicated and away from children and pets. Here, we put them on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

The Sacramento Bee had a front page item on soldiers getting baptized in the salty, bathtub warm waters of the Persian Gulf. A hot item, one encouraged by our government, is getting right with Jesus before going out to massacre a bunch of people. "Dear God, please keep Fred my Dead Basset Hound safe, and make my aim true so I can make hamburger out of many Iraqi children." Cosmic muffin salesmen are busy convincing folks that Jesus is really secretly rooting for Exxonmobil in all this.

But the most telling example that complete irrationality and drooling idiocy is rarely a bar to leadership went to the California Republican Party. California, like most states, has been hit by a massive budget crisis. Aside from the crunch caused by Putsch’s trashing of the economy and the unfunded mandates imposed by the Patriot Act, California is still feeling the effects of the ten billion dollar gouging it received at the paws of Dick Cheney and the power industry. The estimated deficit is in the ball park of $28 billion.

The result of this is that lawmakers have been forced to consider such draconian measures as shortening the school term by as much as two months, reducing teachers’ already abbreviated salary by 10%, and releasing non-violent criminals early. Tax hikes have been discussed, and an entire constellation of other ideas to help the state squeeze through.

The problem is that all the proposals and suggestions have come from the Democrats. The Republicans simply sat and pouted, shaking their heads vigorously at every possibility and groaning that the Democrats were ruining the state. Frustrated Democrats finally crossed their arms and said, "Fine! Let’s hear what you guys have to offer."

The Pubs shook their heads and declared "Don’t WANNA!" to cover the fact that they didn’t have a clue what to do, and when that obviously wasn’t playing with a very concerned public, announced they would have a budget plan in the near future.

Today, they came up with their "plan."

First, they proposed to foist $3 billion of the deficit into the following year’s budget. This was the very same gimmick for which they had been screaming Davis should be recalled, a response so ludicrous that even some Republican leaders called it ridiculous. And now here was the party, once again united, proposing the same thing.

Second, they propose a 7% across-the-board cut in everything in the general fund. This is chain saw surgery, of course, and since there are quite a few state functions that won’t remain functional with a 7% cut, this represents in many cases 93% waste rather than 7% savings. I would much rather spend a dollar on a government that works than ninety-three cents on one that doesn’t. But then, such auto-pilot type legislation is a trademark of Republicans, who believe that government can be made more responsive and responsible by imposing inflexible rules like term limits, mandatory sentencing, "zero tolerance," and, lest we forget, supermajority budget voting requirements and mandatory balancing of the budget.

The Democrats, while not exactly geniuses, have a few brains, and grinning wolfishly, graciously thanked the Republicans for their proposal, and promised to have a thorough review of it in the next few days.

If we can’t get a state budget, at least we can get some amusement watching that favorite sport of the Sacramento government, blood-letting. It’s only a pity Willie Brown isn’t on hand. Nobody could make the aisles run red better than he.

Incidently, if you are wondering if the Republican proposal – foist three billion, and meat ax another five billion–comes up a bit short of solving the deficit (Eight is less than twenty eight. I double checked), then you are correct. But the Republicans assure one and all that this solves the deficit crisis.

When exploring the Republican mind, always go with what works best.

We’ll get hold of our guy here in Mt. Shasta, and see if he can get Fred the Dead Basset Hound to explain it all to us.